I hear your frustration. But where is the accountability?
Not to feelings. BEHAVIORS done/not done?
Because in my universe that personal standard is actually written out. That's the personal standard in this
playground for all players who have signed up to fly that banner. Including me. I have to hold myself accountable to it too.
In a relationship (of whatever configuration), the people in it have worth, value, and dignity. It demands respect. You have to TRY to play ball and be in right relationship to your people.
A) No lying. That's a 1 strike you are out.
Any lie of any kind – overt and lies of omission. Don't bother. Hard truth it. May not like the news but will Listen without shooting the messenger.
B) Anything else negotiate on with "3 strikes you are out." Four times on the SAME issue? You are not a "give serious try" Jedi player who holds up rights and responsibilities in rship. Don't play. Bye.
Going Dossie Easton-ish for HOW to be a Jedi Player in our agreed upon relationship:
All players have:
- The right to clear communication
- The right to expect support from partner
- The right to be nurtured
- The right to get your needs met
- The right to responsiveness
- The right to constructive feedback
- The right to constructive conflict resolution
All players are:
- Responsible for knowing and stating their own needs, wants and limits
- Responsible for knowing the polymath tiers of this configuration
- Responsible for following through on promises
- Responsible for tending their own and helping to tend to partner(s) buckets: mental health, emotional health, physical health, and spiritual health buckets. Carry buckets with minimal slosh. (You are NOT a footloose single any more. Don't ding partners intentionally or thoughtlessly. )
- Responsible for emergency preparedness
- Responsible for caring for their own equipment/stuff
- Responsible for telling if keeping a confidence is hurting/would hurt someone, including self.
Life is NOT a dress rehearsal. Play hard. Play ball.
Love hard like honorable Star Wars Jedi. Not like the Muppet Show.
Right now you have yucky feelings you need to process. You have wants, needs, and limits that are not being tended, and your health buckets not being tended either. YOU are trying to tend to them by trying to communicate with her about them, but she's not giving you responsiveness.
It's fine that she tells you she's processing NRE things. Groovy. Over there in that polymath tier with W.
When's her plan to tend THIS polymath tier with you? Like... put it on the calendar specific. Not "when I get there I will get there."
Because that's not giving you your rights and not owning her responsibilities to THIS mini relationship inside the larger polyship.... if she were a player in my universe.
If I was in your shoes? I could print that personal standard out, highlight the all the ones I am not being given and give it to DH and call him into account.
"I need a calling into account. I highlighted on our thing like we agreed. Could we get an appointment on the calendar, please? We could talk about those to reconcile on... when is best for you? I am good on...."
Keeps it really simple around here.
Perhaps you could consider asking her to actually write out whatever the personal standard is in your own polyship so that all players have accountability to each other? Not oral, assumed, perceived reality... no vague or open to misinterpretations stuff.
On paper. Solid. There. Bam. Done.
Could that help? Because if you can hold her accountable to agreements in your personal standard so she will make an appointment time to even TALK with you to take the initial assessment? I don't see how you can do conflict resolution
to formulate the plan for how to solve the conflict!