The thing that came back to bite me was that I was dishonest about how much time I was spending with S. L had said she wanted us to slow it down and spend more time with her, and we were doing that, but we also were seeing each other in the mornings before I went in to my lab. She found out about it because she had my phone (hers has been out of commission for a while) so that she could check in with us over the weekend, as he and I had an "actual date" on Friday night. She checked my text messages, both in and outboxes, and found out that I had been sneaking over to see him in the mornings, which she had not forbidden, but which we'd never discussed. In everything else I was being completely honest, but that one thing is what turned this upside down. She called at 8am saturday morning when we'd only been asleep for a very short time and said that I shouldn't come home until Monday afternoon and she didn't know if she could stay married to me anymore. I didn't respond to this too well since I was still quite asleep when she called, and I'm sure i didn't give it the gravity it deserved... At any rate, I spent the weekend at his place, and things seemed to be fine until sunday night. Or, if not fine, not strained...
S has not said one way or the other what he thinks we/I need to work on. I haven't spoken to him physically since monday, or via email since yesterday. He had no contact with me at all today, and I am not going to push for contact at this point, even though I'd desperately like to hear his voice. I don't want to put any seeming pressure on him at all, and i know i couldn't handle it if he were as cruel to me as i know he can be when he's hurt.
What i have learned is that I need to be WAY more aware of how L is feeling, and with that awareness, i need to respect and listen to her, and to take her boundaries VERY seriously. We've already started to discuss what needs to change if this is going to happen again, and those things are very very high on the list. Of course, it's something I'll have to work on day to day so that it's already entrenched by the time I meet someone else that i might like to try again with. I know i wasn't as respectful of some of her hard boundaries as i should have been, by any stretch of the imagination. Another thing that needs to happen is that i need to be more aware of what i'm feeling and thinking and doing. I was really swept along by my emotions in all of this, and I know that's how both of them got hurt. So next time i have to keep a handle on myself, or at least be much more open to thinking about what i'm feeling instead of just feeling it and going with that.