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Old 01-31-2013, 05:42 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,902

Wife and I have not spoken. Seems to me their marriage is ending, but it's seemed like that before. I'd like to reach out to her, but I am also afraid to and do not really know what I'd do if I tried.
Could tell her just that. Maybe like...

"I wanted to reach out to you. I was afraid to because I really don't know what to do or say if I did or how you would react. Then I decided it was better to let you know I wanted to reach out to you in case you felt alone in all this. If you need me for anything in terms of appropriate support -- make you a dinner, walk the dog, etc. Let me know. Even if I don't know what you might need, I want you to know I am around. Willing to do something for you to help comfort if you are willing to let me know what that appropriate thing could be."
I'm not feeling like a monster anymore. I've informed the appropriate authorities, discussed plans for future intervention if necessary, and steeled myself against any attempts of emotional entanglement.
Good for you! Yay! Not feeling like a monster because you took some self-respecting and respecting-others kinds of behaviors in response to his shenanigans.

If he is threatening suicide -- you reporting to ministers is spot on. Hopefully his wife or ministers are calling ER.

I had been wondering if there was going to be some Yuuth inappropriate somewhere in there. Sigh.

I am glad you reported this in the appropriate channels and got the machine moving. I am glad you reached out to the youth. Could reach out to the parents, but follow the protocol laid out for this in your RE manual. Ours is pretty solid, so hopefully yours is too! There's plenty UUA resources there.

I am disturbed the other youth leader he confessed to did not report though. If this bothers you, I hope you told your ministers/DRE people. You may need your OWN pastoral care in all this. (Could point wife to that resource too).

A friend of mine sent him a text of support in seeking therapy. Following this, dude tells me he feels he can't trust me or talk with me. He reminded me that he told me not to talk with my friend about him back when we were dating (another reason I broke up with him, because that's some controlling, abusive bullshit). Since then, he's sent me several emails about how he's feeling, updating me on his therapy plans and stuff.
I am glad you see where he is trying to be controlling.

But he's ALSO trying to make YOU own some responsibility for his feelings, get attention strokes, and/or make you his "captive audience" in his drama show.
  • unwanted email = he broadcasts to YOU whenever he wants. Your responses (or non response) he can bend to fuel his "perceived reality." Make it all jive with his song.
  • Face to face convo = exchange of ideas, and having to witness (rather than imagine) your actual reactions in real time to his talk, and his behavior. In your face, tone, talk. (Not easily ignorable... this actuality stuff. )

I note how he tells you he does not want to engage in "talking" because he doesn't "trust" you. (More like he cannot reliably expect you to play along with his perceived reality song that way. He cannot control your response in face time talk so he can keep telling himself "But I'm a nice guy! Nothing wrong with me!")

I note he wants you for "audience" and employs email to get what he wants from you. Your "audience-with-no-feedback-ness" or at least "Audience with feedback I can ignore." He can choose to delete your responses (if any) unread. He can choose to believe no response from you is "tacit agreement." There he can "control" the perceived reality song he plays himself.

This stuff has nothing to do with polyamory. I'm feeling really overwhelmed, though, and I am amazed that I haven't started smoking again or gotten plastered. In fact... I have this overwhelming desire to be really, really healthy. Any suggestions?
Of course you are overwhelmed -- you have an emotional vampire still trying to suck you dry. He may even be a combo vampire. Could click to see which one ans the tips for dealing with each type.

He could choose to deal with his own best healths in more appropriate ways. Whether he does or doesn't is on him.

You could deal in your own self. You could tell him to cease and desist contact. You are not "the guy" for that. Direct this stuff to his therapist and minister people. His health is not your responsibility. You are broken up. You are also not friends because he is not safe for your own mental/emotional health. Then block him or change your email.

Hang in there. Keep choosing self-respecting behaviors -- not only are you not feeling "monster" any more, you are sounding a lot healthier already. Keep going on the healthier track and do what you need to do for YOUR best healths.


Last edited by GalaGirl; 01-31-2013 at 06:06 AM.
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