Feel uncomfortable living with metamour
Hello. I'm mono and have been reading posts here for about a week. I'm not sure where else to look for advice on this, as my poly girlfriend (M) gets very upset about it whenever I try to talk about it to her.
I have been dating M for two years, long-distance. I also lived with my mentally, emotionally, verbally abusive family during this time. I have finally gotten the chance to move in with M and her girlfriend (J) and out of my former home. Here I have more access to public transportation and can look for work. I thought that I would be okay living with J.
Brief background: My relationship with M started as mono. She moved in with J and a few months later asked me if she could be poly with J. I thought I'd be okay with it so I said yes. J and M have been dating since November of last year.
M is also in debt to J for a few thousand dollars because M's employment situation was messed up just after she relocated to the area. I knew M was in repayment to J, and this did not bother me. However, I did not know J's attitude on money. Since I have gotten here, J has made a couple of remarks about me ordering a pizza and some tights (I had no cold weather clothes and have been stocking up). I tried to ignore them. Then, after a two-year anniversary celebration with M (cost $50), J sat us down and told us that we were being irresponsible and could not be spending money on dinner or "kitchen things" (a plastic pitcher and strainer, $10).
All of the things she was complaining about were things *I* had purchased, not M. I would not make M spend money she does not have. I am also good for rent with my student loans. I have applied to many jobs and am making finding employment a 20-hour-a-week commitment. I was shocked that J was so upset about me spending my discretionary budget. I've literally heard her say that we should live off sandwiches and noodles until we have more money (I have an eating disorder and having my food controlled by someone else makes me relapse so that I only eat one small meal a day, if I do eat at all).
I've tried to talk to M about how uncomfortable this makes me. I've told her that I don't feel safe in the apartment anymore and how I don't want to leave my room if J is home. I know that this is because of my abusive background and mental health issues, but I also feel like my every move is being watched. I feel like if I'm not spending my time finding a way to make money, I'm going to be judged and berated by J. I'm terrified of talking to J to the point where I've been throwing up from anxiety at night and not sleeping.
M just gets upset and says that how is she supposed to take me hating her girlfriend. I don't hate J, really, I just don't feel safe here anymore and I don't understand why my spending has to be line-item approved when I'm not the one in debt to J. All I want is to remove myself from the situation, or to be in a situation where I don't feel watched and controlled. I think I would be back to being okay again if that was so. I talked to M a lot about this today and thought she understood, then overheard J's sandwich/noodles comment and M agreeing. I'm now scared to do anything but sleep, do classwork, and look for jobs. I don't feel comfortable here. I felt safer walking around my home with my abusive family.
I don't know how to talk to M about this because M loves J so much. She always centers it back on me not being comfortable with someone she loves. Since I am not poly, and since I'm often panicking about this situation, I don't know how to reassure M that I'm not asking her to break up with J. At this point I want to talk about moving out when I have a full time job, because I'm so scared of being around J (I hope that will change when I have more money), but I think that M would take that as me asking to break up with her (M). I don't know what to do. I just spend my entire day scared, and I don't leave the room (unless I have to go somewhere) if M isn't home.
I need advice on talking to M. I feel like I can't ask J to change her watching my spending until I have a full time job, which is making me even more anxious about finding work. I just feel so isolated and more alone than I have ever felt in my entire life, and I don't feel like I can reach out to traditional support venues because they won't understand the poly angle. Someone please help me.