So to me the reality is that she rejected me for being polyamorous. I don't understand her attitude that I rejected her because I realized I was polyamorous.
The reality is that you have conflicting wants for your romances that are not compatible.
- You want to be in a polyship shape thing. You have the right to have your romance shapes to come in the shape you want.
- She wants in a monoship shape thing. She has the right to have her romance shapes in the shape she wants.
- For BOTH people to get those things they want? So one is not at the expense of the other? Cannot be in relationship to each other then. Mutually exclusive wants.
The next step? How each of you digests the disappointment that it isn't going to be a runner here.
I'm wondering if anyone can help me understand, or help me get her to understand that I never really rejected her. She rejected me, and I started thinking of the benefits of single life as a kind of coping mechanism.
I could be wrong. But here's my spin. It's long... bear with me.
Maybe it is straight up a dealbreaker because she's just not wired for poly. It is what it is. If she told you firmly that's how it is, and she's secure.... YOU could accept that. And you both could choose to part ways. There. Done.
If she's upset though and not secure about her own wants and her own self? Well... if her source of "validate me" is YOU or the relationship with you? And now the relationship is changing (through nobody's fault) that puts her in a position to lose her "validate me" source. She will feel threatened and scared.
- She is not willing to break up with you herself -- she loses her validate me source. Too scary.
- She's worried you will break up with her because she's not poly wired. She loses her validate me source. Scary.
- She will wonder "what she could do to keep you/the relationship going" to avoid having to feel scary things. Rather than accept this is the end of the run due to circumstances BEYOND HER CONTROL.
- There is NOTHING she could do. It is circumstances beyond her control, and being able to make peace with that requires being ok in oneself, and being secure WITHOUT you. Ack. More scary.
Enter vicious circle loop time.
People who can self-validate are going to feel disappointment when a relationship comes to the natural end of its run. But they are not going to have fear about it because they still have their "validate me" -- their own selves. The can handle the disappointment better. They could be wired for mono or wired for poly -- doesn't matter. What matters in their ability to deal with the disappointment better is the ability to be ok in themselves.
- If she's acting out at herself, and talking down to herself inside like she is not "good enough?"
- And then acting out at you by projecting that talking down stuff on to you like YOU must think she is not "good enough?"
- And then mixing it up in there and making it be YOU must stink because before YOU brought this up all was FINE?
- Actually all was not fine if the problem is that she has a hard time dealing with strong emotions. Esp the yuckier ones. It was just not being poked before. It's been THERE, but under the surface.
Accepting that you have come to a point in the relationship journey where the paths diverge? It doesn't have to be poly. It could be simply falling out of love. A work transfer for the BF to another country -- lots of things. Ability to accept with grace is about her skills at dealing with strong emotions and her ability to self validate and feel secure -- with or without you.
She may not be able to help feeling disappointment, she may not be able to help not being strong in her emotional management skills. But it's still destructive behavior to the relationship if she's picking " I am going to tantrum at you for taking away my "validate me" source."
It is understandable. But not excusable to act out and drive one's partner away like that or be picking fights. (I hope YOU aren't picking fights. It takes two to tango.)
Maybe she had been falling down on several jobs there. (Maybe some of it applies to you too. I do not know. I am not there. )
- Her being responsible/accountable to the relationship she is in and not choosing behavior that hurts it.
- Her being responsible/accountable to you in the relationship -- helping to create emotionally safe space for you both to be able to have hard conversation in for relationship management to go well.
- Her responsibility to herself -- take the time to cultivate the skills required in herself so she can be the best dating partner she could be. Not a wobbly one. Is she wanting to be a fair weather partner or a long haul one in her relationships?
You could have your own things to work on -- we ALL do. But if she's looking to improve herself for her next relationship -- could start looking there.
Unfortunately you cannot control her behavior or her willingness to try new things. You can only control you.
You are dealing with your disappointment too. But note it is TWO disappointments, not ONE.
Right now you are framing it as "she rejected me because I am poly." Like it is one disappointment. But it is not. You could distinguish between your feelings of disappointment.
The first disappointment?
You feel rejected because you went to your partner with a shared vulnerable. And she responded by having a cow. Rather than responding with "Wow. That's a big thing to tell me. Thanks for trusting me with that. I need time to digest that though. Whoa. Big thing."
Don't take her inability to create safe emotional space for you to share vulnerable in as more than what that part is. Has nothing to do with polyness. It has to do with her skills at creating emotionally safe space.
The second disappointment
is polyness with her not happening. Because you both have mutually exclusive wants for the romance shape. So cannot be in romance shape together
So when identifying where your disappointments come from and solving them?
#2? You could tell her you can accept mutually exclusive wants making a romance between you not possible. Nobobody can help that. People want what they want. You could comfort each other and let it go, and try to be friends.
#1? As friends or as romantic partners? Dude, wassup with that? Both friends and lovers try to create emotionally safe space. She fell down on the job there a bit. You could ask her to apologize for acting out at you with her own fears when you came to your partner with a vulnerable. (That is a trust weakening behavior.) Were you not doing the correct thing in coming to her with things that concern you and her? (A trust building behavior)
That bit was poor conduct on her part. She could own that bit.
So I would put it as "She is acting out at me because she cannot have what she wants in the way that she wants it."
It's not about the poly. It's about her ability to digest disappointment in appropriate ways. And you ability to do same. Part of digestion is knowing what it is you ate to begin with and what you have in there.
Because you too are going to feel disappointment that you cannot have what you want in they way you want it here with her.
Your wants, needs, and limits are not able to be met here. So you started thinking about changing your life so your wants, needs, and limits CAN be met. That's more appropriate than acting out at her. (Hopefully you haven't been acting out at her! If you have, apologize for that.)
You can read in my journal thread
about my other poly-mono mismatch thoughts if you want to. Starts on post 6ish. I don't know if that could be comforting or not.
But the bottom line is that you cannot MAKE anyone do anything they are not willing to do. What would be the kindest thing here?
Could be to break up fast, firm and get you both to the healing place ASAP. And be her friend after. You don't have to reject HER or her YOU just because a romance
isn't gonna fly.
Could choose to fly a friendship instead.
It's all up to you both where you want to take it to next post break up. But this thing will not fly with mutually exclusive wants for the relationship shape. Accept. Move it forward.
I am sorry you are hurting.
Try your best to get you to a healthier space.