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Old 01-30-2013, 06:05 PM
onoma onoma is offline
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 78
Default Girlfriend Feels Rejected

So, three years ago I'd never been in a relationship and my understanding of sex was basically that it was something which could only occur in a relationship. I'd only recently even lost my virginity (sadly at the age of 32.) I had heard of "open" relationships from a couple friends, but morally couldn't wrap my head around it.

Around this time I met a girl, we dated and eventually moved in together. As time went on, I slowly realized a couple things. First was that I didn't feel ready to "give up" the idea of ever having sex with anyone else. Second, that I didn't really understand WHY being in love with one woman meant either of us should exclude other sexual partners.

A couple discussions here and there eventually brought out my desires for more sex partners. Eventually I also started looking into polyamory and reading a little.

My girlfriend is not at all on board with it, however for various reasons we've stayed together for another year and a half.

That's just backstory, and it's a little more complex... but here's what's bothering me now:

When I started to realize I was actually polyamorous, she felt like it was a rejection of HER. Essentially that she was somehow "not enough." This has recently come up again in another fight, and she's convinced that I rejected her. The problem is that in my eyes, she told me that polyamory was a "dealbreaker" and she wasn't willing to move forward. I had even asked her to read a book on it, which she agreed to but never actually did.

Now, since then I've focused on the benefits of being single again. At some point my script switched from just a desire to be in an open relationship to wanting to actually be single again to some extent.

So to me the reality is that she rejected me for being polyamorous. I don't understand her attitude that I rejected her because I realized I was polyamorous.

However, after this I would start focusing on the benefits life after our relationship whenever we had a fight and the breakup seemed imminent. We actually did get pregnant once, but miscarried, and the fears I felt about my ability to raise a child really stuck with me. So after all of this my script changed a little, to where I was just not feeling ready for marriage or child rearing.

The thing is, I still think her feelings of rejection boil down to the poly part. I'm wondering if anyone can help me understand, or help me get her to understand that I never really rejected her. She rejected me, and I started thinking of the benefits of single life as a kind of coping mechanism.
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