Thread: Tell the truth?
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Old 01-30-2013, 05:46 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is online now
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 6,268

Do you just accept communication differences?
Yes. About communication STYLE.

I wave my hands around. I need at least an hour of Crazy Lady processing and waving before I can be logical and reasonable. You know... do the BRAIN DUMP thing first. DH is not that way. People who do not know him well do not know his tells. I do know them. I watch for the eyebrow wrinkle. That's about it for clues.

You don't have to know me well to see me "all excited" to know that I am all excited!

But neither of us behave in ways that are an impediment to clear communication. The communication will be HAD. Serve it in whatever style you want, with or without a cherry on top. But HAVE it.

You list an awful lot of examples there where your GF does not move clear communication forward. She blocks clear communication. I don't know what that's all about inside her, but I can see where it would frustrate you.

Does it generally feel better for you to have all feelings out in the open, or is filtering necessary?
Open, honest, truth. It's just easier. Hard truth it to me.

Here is a feeling. There it is! You don't have to share the VOLUME of your feeling experience with everyone -- even me. But let me know it's going on if it affects me?

That's keeping the communication flow going.

Easy example? My loved one dies. I can tell that to my coworkers and get what I need from them. Space, time, make allowances for a bit if I seem blah at work and not taking things in.

To my DH? He will get the heads up and at a bigger "volume." Cuz my spouse? He's going to get to see my crying and mourning and being a lot more wobbly.

My friends get something in between. Some wobble, but not like emotionally distant people like just coworkers.

Because I have different volumes for different audiences? No matter. I am still communicating what is going on with me to people in my life that it could affect so they know what to expect from me. They know the THING is happening. Even if they don't hear the thing in "full volume. "

Is saying sorry important?
Yes. It is one of the ways to demonstrate you care about someone. That you show remorse when you have trespassed against them, and ask for forgiveness and try not to do that again. That is part of what cultivates trust in a relationship.

How do you balance who needs care and who needs to provide it?
Everyone needs care. But your partner is not always "the default guy." Sometimes partner can be "one of the guys." Sometimes partner is "totally not the guy at ALL."

It depends on the situation... who I ask for comfort.

I stub my toe, anyone could comfort me. Just tell me "Aw, that stinks! Sorry you hurt your toe." My kid could do that. So could my bank teller.

Say my mom dies -- that's a team job there. DH could be part of the comforting team, but that's a large burden best spread around other people. My sister could be on that team -- she's more comforting in this situation than ... my bank teller. YKWIM?

Right person(s) for the right job.

Sometimes if the thing involves a communication problem with DH, and I need comforting before I can call him into account in a healthy way (versus being tempted to sail into him and escalate tension rather than descalate)... I have to farm that one out to a close friend so I get comfort and encouragement to get ME to the healthy zone first. THEN do what I need to do with DH to get back into right relationship.

I just tell him or he tells me. Something like...
"Look, we've tried. We are banging the wall here. Not moving forward. Let's just agree to farm this one out. Get other perspectives and then come back and regroup and try again fresh. Cuz if we could do it alone, we would have already. "
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