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Old 01-30-2013, 05:00 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,639

Why is just you asking for DH's goodwill? Rather than you and E asking together for something both you and E want?

"I know it's something that would make you happier, but I don't think he (my boyfriend) deserves it."
Incomplete communication. What does BF need to do (behavior) to "deserve" it? Not your TIME, but DH's GOODWILL about sharing your time with him?(DH does not own you, he owns himself.)
goodwill: Friendly, helpful, or cooperative feelings or attitude.
While that is awkward and unclear communication phrasing ... what I'm getting there is he is willing to give YOU his goodwill. But not E. Is there lack of trust in E and not feeling respected or considered perhaps by E's behaviors? So why does E deserve DH's goodwill here so far? What will change in E behavior so DH can change in his feelings about giving E his goodwill?

Cuz you can go ahead and just sleep over. You own you. But you would get that bit and not get DH's goodwill. Right? You want both -- to sleep over AND have his goodwill too. Well, you are there asking for his goodwill. Where is E? Is he asking? Nope. Does not bode well for DH willing to give him goodwill if the man cannot be bothered to come ask for it.

In this communication DH was much clearer that the above "he doesn't deserve it (my goodwill) because he tells the WHY.

Y told E, "K hurt me too, but I know by her actions that she cares about making things better. I can forgive her largely because of it. I have yet to see the same concern for my hurt from you."
Did he give the WHAT and HOW when they made their agreements?

"You hurt me. For you to get back into right relationship with me, you need to DO 1, 2, 3. Those are the things you need to do. Do them, and then I could be willing to give you my goodwill."
Sounds like he did. Because you are writing down the agreements and it seems to help ADHD E meet them. That will go a long way toward E accountability with DH if E can execute their agreements.

(Side note: Why is E not owning this responsibility? Why are you doing E's work? Is the goal that you will get him started in his new habit and he will assume it once he has hang of it? Or are you being overburdened as the hinge person? Could guard against that hinge burn out thing.

And note that DH watching you do E's work for him... that's not a juicy goodwill orange there. E is not being PRESENT again for his end of the deal.)

Could encourage DH to talk to E direct AND hold E accountable to their agreements. But... you came to ask. Not even You and E. Expecting the dude who has no goodwill right now for the other guy to be seeking him out to be doing the patch/repair work and tend to him and call him into account? That's not realistic. It is less work for DH to ignore the guy. And rightly so. It is not DH's want to sleep over. It is not DH's need to have DH goodwill.

It's really easy to get sidetracked with DH presentation of his communication. (And it could use polish -- it's a bit rough just like that... so def work on the communication thing). But to me that feels like a side issue.

But to move this bit forward -- could choose to keep it on the feelings behind the words and address that need first.

You and E want something from DH. His goodwill.

(You + E) ---> DH is the polymath tier we're talking about. How you and E (the couple) communicate with DH. Right now? I don't think it's cool that YOU are doing all the work there and it is you doing the asking. E cannot even be bothered to come ask?

When you make your request, YOU AND E could be clear in your communication to DH.

"DH, we have come to ask you for your goodwill. We'd like to sleep over and be able to do that with you goodwill. So... What has to happen (from which player) for you (DH) to be comfortably willing to share your goodwill with everyone?"

So the NEXT thing can happen -- sleeping over experience that is felt as pleasant for all players in the polyship?

Not really expecting you to answer those "thinking cap" kinds of questions to me. Just trying to give you some help so you can ask yourself and your poly peeps in the "sorting yourselves out" time. Hopefully get this moving forward again.


Last edited by GalaGirl; 01-30-2013 at 05:24 PM.
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