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Old 01-30-2013, 04:14 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 6,213

But there was a sadness in his demeanor. I can tell he's not comfortable. As for his freedoms, he'd prefer to wait until I'm out of town. He clearly wants this stuff to be at a distance.

Could tell him you note his sadness. " I see you are sad."

Could ask him if he's at a place to talk about that or if he needs time to sit with it first on his own. "Do you want to talk about sad? Or do you need space before we talk?"

Could thank him for being open to conversation, and open to explore challenging things -- not just relationships with other people with you, but ideas, thoughts, feelings with you. "Thank you for talking to me. It is hard conversation, but I love you and appreciate you for going there with me rather than shutting me out. I love you."

That sadness makes me feel really bad!
Could sit with yourself and ask why seeing discomfort in your partner makes you feel "bad?" You are not doing anything here that is malicious. You are talking to him. Going to him with your shared vulnerable.

Are you not confident in your "ministry of presence" skills? Are you afraid you won't get what you want? Are you....? What's the "Bad" speaking to or speaking from?

What sorts of things can reassure a man of his importance and primacy in my life?
Both articles linked above are good things to think about.

Could choose to behave in ways that demonstrate he is important to you. Be considerate. Take his wants, needs, and limits into account. Hold him accountable in his behavior -- because if you didn't care about him you wouldn't give a flying finger about how he behaves. I don't know how he manages his upset but if he's doing self destructive things like bottling things up, drinking, I dunno what... call him on it. Hold him accountable, and resolve it/get help.

How many ways can I describe that being open doesn't imply a deficiency between us?
Could that be the wrong question? You say there is no deficiency between you? Ok. There is no deficiency. I will believe you. Let's say there are no deficiencies. So... it is there. NO deficiency. SO WHAT MAKES IT HARD FOR HIM TO BELIEVE / FEEL IT?

That's another layer there.

You could be saying "Here is garlic bread. Smell the garlic bread!" and you are asking "How many ways can I describe that there is garlic bread on the table to him?!" Maybe the question needing to be asked is "What makes it hard for him to smell?" YKWIM?

And to find the answer to that -- you have to be willing ask him and he has to be willing to figure it out with you.

Keep talking. Sort yourselves out.

My 2 cents,

Last edited by GalaGirl; 01-30-2013 at 04:19 PM.
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