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Old 01-30-2013, 02:11 PM
sparklepop sparklepop is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 467

Hi Lost,

A few thoughts come to my mind about your issue and I'll work through it bit by bit.

Firstly, how long have you been with your boyfriend? I'm guessing that you're in a mono/poly situation with your hubby?

Secondly, look beyond your husband's words. "He doesn't deserve it" is obviously not his right to declare. But words are just words. What's he really saying? "I think he's treated me badly, possibly you badly, and I really am just not happy about any of this? Stop stretching my limits; I've met you this far." ?

No, of course it isn't 'right' for hubby to flat out say "no". Nobody can tell you "no". What he can say is "I told you I wasn't signing up for that. I cannot reach that point. It is a hard limit for me that is not negotiable as far as I can see. Please decide what action you would like to take now."

We all have our own limitations and for all the personal growth in the world, sometimes we just can't overcome something. If this helps, in our V, we have a 'no sleepovers' guideline. We only request sleepovers in emergencies (i.e. missed last train, too drunk/tired to drive). Planned sleepovers can only be requested after 6 months of dating someone. That way, we are all clear and nobody can be accused of limit-pushing. The first 6 months of a new relationship can be really hard on the existing partner(s), so it's the very best time to show patience, compassion and prove that you can keep your word respectfully. The guideline, for us, isn't in the interests of restriction - it's in the interests of long-term gain. The better equipped we are to deal with new relationships, the more chance they have of succeeding in the long-run.

If you and your boyfriend have been openly involved now for more than 6-12 months, and there are still big issues, obviously there's still work to do and it might be a red flag.

It's not fair to force someone past their limits (you with hubby). It's also not fair to place unwanted restrictions on other people (hubby with you). Then, it comes down to compatibility and priorities.

"You didn't look out for me when this started, now I have every right in the world to spoil your fun."
I agree with this. I do not know the background, but after reading what you have said in your two posts, it definitely strikes me that your husband is holding onto some hurt.

"K hurt me too, but I know by her actions that she cares about making things better. I can forgive her largely because of it. I have yet to see the same concern for my hurt from you."
Did you and E start out as an affair or something? What is Y hurt about?

Importantly - what do you think of his statement? What steps has E taken to make up for any hurt caused? (*was* hurt caused? did you and E do something wrong?) Has your hubby been guilty of bad behaviour too?

They...were supposed to have worked some of this out, which is why I felt more comfortable broaching the sleep idea again.
You need to decide how important this is for you. I can understand if it is important. It's perfectly reasonable if *you* want that for yourself. Are you willing to drop it altogether for your husband, if necessary? Or do you need this option in the long term?

For me, nothing crushes my ability to overcome a problem more than impatience. My GF tried to rush me to "be fine" with her new secondary. As soon as she did that, it fell apart for me. Not only did I resent him, but I started to resent her. Is that what could be happening here?

I guess E didn't uphold his end of the bargain in my husband's eyes. I'm not sure which things specifically hurt my husband, but I've started to write down their agreements. By writing it down, the expectations are crystal clear, and when one is broken we can immediately hold said person accountable to correct it. So far, this has help E stay WAY more on track. (He has ADD, which I wonder sometimes if it contributes to his lack of care to certain details he needs to work on.)
This might be hard for you to hear, so I'm going to say it gently and hope that you understand my good intentions. My GF said the same thing to me. At first, I was indignant and resistant... but I realised that she was completely right.

I see that you are trying to knock their heads together and sort them out. I see that you are genuinely trying to help.

However... you are enabling their behaviour by doing the hard work for them. They are free to be lazy emotionally, because they know you'll sort it out for them.

I have ADD and, for sure, written information helps. ADD can cause problems in relationships regarding attention to detail, remembering agreements and conversations, etc. It's also very helpful when a partner suggests things that can help.

But that's the point - suggestion. If you physically do it for them, not only are you taking away their ability to help themselves... but you are also steamrolling them. When I am steamrolled, I feel extremely frustrated and forced - therefore, even more resistant and helpless.

What if they simply do not get on? Or simply do not want to get along? Do they have to? Is there any way that they can exist separately from each other? What steps have each of them taken to improve their relationship? What have they done wrong?

Quote: boyfriend, being stubborn, really sucks at apologizing when he doesn't think he's guilty of something. He vehemently believes he has nothing to apologize for since his intention was pure. This pattern of thought prevades in other arguments, and it does leave one feeling not very considered.... I am frankly not sure if my words on that subject get through to him or not . . . oi. That's a bit of a side issue, but E's issues in this area are a big contributor to the dynamic between him and my husband.
Is it really a bit of a side issue? Or do you think this is a major problem?

From my perspective, it is a key problem.

Saying sorry is essential in relationships. We all fuck up - we're human. Often, we really don't mean to upset anyone. You're right - saying sorry doesn't mean shouldering all the blame - it means "I'm really sorry for my part; I'd like to take responsibility for what I did to add to this situation". In any disagreement, there are usually two people to blame. My GF struggles to apologise, also because of family issues. It's not a small deal for me - it's a big deal. It's something that I will not accept in a partner, in the long term. She's vastly improved over the past 2 years and when she doesn't apologise, I remind her that it's important to. Is it ok that your BF has this problem with apologising? Is that acceptable behaviour? If he knows you'll stay regardless, how is he ever going to change that behaviour?

The fact is - if hubby feels disrespected by E and you're not doing anything about it, he's also being disrespected by you. I know that you're in a horrible position, being in the middle. Everyone has their flaws and some metamours just do not get on. But, from what you've said, I really think this needs some more thought.

Your BF has trouble saying sorry because of his family. Well... does that make it ok, then? It's one thing when our partners conflict and we can see both sides - but what happens when we really know one partner isn't behaving well? How can we expect our other partner to deal with that? Who we bring into our partners' lives is our responsibility. Who we keep in those lives is our responsibility.

Again, it comes down to considering a new perspective. If both of them are at fault, why do they need to get along?

"But the key he is missing is asking for it" My husband needs to work on this. His communication is pretty lacking.
That's fair. Your husband isn't an angel then. He needs to hold up his end of the bargain and be very clear about his limits.

** EDIT - I've gone and read through your old threads to get a better understanding. I saw your earlier struggles with your husband, in terms of needs not being met. (I completely understand and relate to this). It does make me wonder one thing.... could E have been what you needed at the time.... the extroverted attention that you needed? Sometimes we are lacking in something and someone just happens to drop in our lap, who can distract us from our problems. Is there anything in that idea that resonates with you?
Me: 32f, evolving

“Peace comes from within. Do not seek it without." ~ Buddha

Last edited by sparklepop; 01-30-2013 at 03:09 PM.
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