"You didn't look out for me when this started, now I have every right in the world to spoil your fun."
He definitely would seem to feel this way about E. As far as me renegotiating the marriage with Y, he has judged my actions on that differently. Y told E, "K hurt me too, but I know by her actions that she cares about making things better. I can forgive her largely because of it. I have yet to see the same concern for my hurt from you."
They...were supposed to have worked some of this out, which is why I felt more comfortable broaching the sleep idea again. I guess E didn't uphold his end of the bargain in my husband's eyes. I'm not sure which things specifically hurt my husband, but I've started to write down their agreements. By writing it down, the expectations are crystal clear, and when one is broken we can immediately hold said person accountable to correct it. So far, this has help E stay WAY more on track. (He has ADD, which I wonder sometimes if it contributes to his lack of care to certain details he needs to work on.)
"...if he knew that your husband wasn't comfortable with the situation your friend should appologize for disregarding his feelings (and you as well, if you knew)." I had a part in making my husband uncomfortable, and I addressed it as soon as I was made aware it was a serious concern. My husband seemed to feel less coerced after that. However, my boyfriend, being stubborn, really sucks at apologizing when he doesn't think he's guilty of something. He vehemently believes he has nothing to apologize for since his intention was pure. This pattern of thought prevades in other arguments, and it does leave one feeling not very considered. This is a huge stumbling block for E and I'm trying desperately to get him to understand the cause and effect of his actions on people's feelings, whether they are logical or not. He can apologize for hurting someone without conceding the logic of his position. He's got a lot of family baggage and to him, compromise is an ugly word. For him, it meant he got nothing he wanted and his brother everything. So now he's brought that wonderful perspective to relationships with me and my husband, and I'm beating my head against a brick wall. I'm trying to show him how unhealthy that perspective is in real life.
I am frankly not sure if my words on that subject get through to him or not . . . oi. That's a bit of a side issue, but E's issues in this area are a big contributor to the dynamic between him and my husband.
"But the key he is missing is asking for it" My husband needs to work on this. His communication is pretty lacking.
I am addressing marriage related concerns with my husband. I was very careful to make it about the issues he and I as a unit need to work on, and one of them is communication. Once we get that rolling, I'd like to revisit everyone's train of mind as a group...
Me: K, female, 27. Married to Y for over 4 yrs (male, monogamous, 33). Opened relationship to E (male, monogamous, 27) in a relationship vee.