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Old 01-30-2013, 07:18 AM
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Helo Helo is offline
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: California
Posts: 279

Originally Posted by PhilosophicallyLost View Post
Helo: I am struggling with feeling like my husband wants a lot of my time. It feels like he sees it as his right, whereas I see it as my gift to give. I understand I've pulled out the rug with the whole poly thing and he needs support and love, but he's given me crap for talking to a friend for an hour because it took time away from him. X_x; Which is taking it a bit far, in my book. Otherwise, I don't feel our marriage has too much of an "ownership" perspective. I see marriage as a partnership where both people get a say, and if that work monogamously for some I think it's okay. I don't like the ownership perspective either.
Perhaps I should explain more clearly the specifics of the ownership but first I want to address your example of time. From where I stand agreeing to enter into a relationship with someone, romantic or otherwise, generally includes some tacit form of agreement to share your time with the other person. The specifics of when and how much are up to the people involved but the act of sharing time is fundamental to a relationship otherwise it wouldnt be there, you cant have an ongoing relationship with someone you spend no time with. If one person is demanding another share their time with them, that is a demand and it is an authoritarian demand though I would hardly couch it in such sinister terms; more often than not such demands are the most familiar way for people to simply ask for greater amounts of time to be spent with them developed in our culture where we're never really allowed to express our needs and desires in a direct way.

The ownership aspect of what I would call hard monogamy extend to controlling the actions of a partner in the terms of whom they are allowed to give their affection to as well as simply have feelings for. Telling someone "you cant have feelings for anyone but me otherwise you're a bad person" is a textbook example of an authoritarian relationship; someone has made a demand for something they want and are backing up the demand with a threat that they can carry out because of the power they have, in this case its power given to them by the structure of the relationship and the society it exists in.
I am as direct as a T-Rex with 'roid rage and about as subtle. It isn't intended to cause upset, I just prefer to talk plain. There are plenty of other people here who do the nice, polite thing much better than I can. I'm what you'd call a "problem dinner guest."
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