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Old 01-30-2013, 06:37 AM
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Phy Phy is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Germany
Posts: 651

What would rub me the wrong way is him thinking to be a superior 'power'/'official' who is in a legitimate position to judge who deserves what and why. That's not his call to make. He isn't the one 'granting' something here. Because that would mean, he is in charge of you and in some weird way able to decide what your friend should or shouldn't get. Like a parent, in a way. The only thing he is able to control is his position. Does he want that? Why yes, why no, but not basing his decision on what he thinks a third person should get or not.

He isn't answering the problem at hand, he is shifting his focus to the outcome of it. The problem are his hurt feelings and his take on the situation (your friend is trying to take you away). He could say:"This isn't cleared at all, I don't feel comfortable, I don't want to proceed until this situation is solved." But he starts with just feeling hurt and therefore thinks the others owe him to do as he sees fit because he is the one feeling hurt.

On the other hand, no one seems to have taken into consideration that he expressed his discomfort beforehand. Did he voice that this wouldn't sit well with him (you and your friend dating)? Because his reaction seems to say "You didn't look out for me when this started, now I have every right in the world to spoil your fun."

Sit down and talk with each other. Express who is hurt for what reason, who wants what for what reason and lay down some clear boundaries everyone is aware of and able to work with. If the only reason he isn't feeling comfortable right now is the thought of your friend taking you away, then this is the thing you should start with. Talk to him, ask your friend to assure him that this won't happen, if he knew that your husband wasn't comfortable with the situation your friend should appologize for disregarding his feelings (and you as well, if you knew). Make clear that no one is able to decide what others do or won't do, but that everyone can express what they need from the other to feel at ease with the situation.

Your husband is right in asking for things to change that make him feel uncomfortable. But the key he is missing is asking for it, drawing clear personal boundaries starting with his person and needs, not demanding what the others are suppose to do from his point of view and trying to control the other people involved.
Facts: 30, female, bi, v-type relationship with Sward (husband, straight, mono) and Lin (boyfriend, straight, mono), poly-fi and co-primary.

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