Female Asexual married to Male Hypersexual: Hope poly bridges the gap
Hi, I’ve just recently found your board and I am so impressed with the amount of information and the variety of life experiences that you have all shared about yourselves!
A little about me and my personal situation:
I’m a married, 36 female Bi(curious)-Romantic-Grey-Asexual. What does this mean to me? Let me break it down:
Asexual-in the strictest sense this means that I do not feel sexual attraction towards people or a desire to be sexual with people. I used to tell people that you could take 100 of the most attractive people on the planet and while I would find them physically attractive – I would not find them sexually attractive and would not want to have intercourse with any of them.
Grey-means that I occasionally (rarely) do desire to be sexually intimate or have sex with someone whom I am in a relationship with.
Romantic- means that I do experience a romantic attraction towards people. I want to have loving caring relationships with people. I want to experience other types of intimacy with my partner: emotional, physical, sensual, intellectual, and romantic intimacies.
Bi(curious)-means that I do find women to be attractive and would like to have a relationship with a woman. However, I have yet to really experience a true relationship with a woman. Finding a woman to be curious and experimental with has been a bit more difficult due to being married when my curiosity was aroused and being Grey-Asexual.
(Yeah I know the short story ended up a bit on the long side due to an explanation of everything…Sorry.)
I met my husband in 1997 and we were married in 2000. This was before I realized that there was such a thing as asexuality but I warned him that I would typically manage to maintain a sexually intimate relationship for only a few years before I gradually lost all desire for sex. We discussed this but we both thought that this was due to relationship problems.
Things were wonderful for us for several years, and then as was normal for me, my ability to desire sex began to wane at an alarming rate. Everything else in the relationship was amazing. We talked and communicated well; we shared dreams, and supported each other through life. We could not figure out what was going on with us. We went to couples counseling, I went to counseling on my own as well. None of that helped. The counselor couldn’t figure out what our problem was, she mentioned that we were a well-matched couple, that we communicated in a healthy way and that it was obvious that we loved and cared for each other. Counseling didn’t really help, and the counselor was stumped, so we stopped going. Years later I thought perhaps there was something wrong with me physically so I went to the doctor. Hormone tests, physicals, blood tests, vitamin tests…..Everything was ‘normal’. Doctors told me I just needed to get over it and have sex with the hubs. But I just couldn’t do it. I had no desire for sex and it just felt like a chore to me. I would occasionally enjoy it, but mostly it was a huge drag. I loved my husband I wanted him to be happy so I tried.
Years passed again and now we were both upset because of the sexual tension in our relationship. We argued all of the time about it. It was truly the only REAL fighting we did. I was upset because I thought that he was putting too much importance on sex and that sex was the whole reason he wanted to be with me. I was missing all of the other little things that make a relationship work: cuddling, and loving each other and sharing hobbies etc. He was upset because he felt that I didn’t find him attractive and that I didn’t want to be with him any longer. We went back to counseling. Once again, the counselor couldn’t figure out why our relationship wasn’t working, she could tell that we cared for each other, that we wanted this to work and that we knew how to communicate with each other. I also went back to the doctor to make sure that things were still normal with me physically, which they were.
Which brings us to April/May 2012: That’s about when I found out about Asexuality. I was so happy I finally realized that I was normal-that there was nothing wrong with me (something I had been saying repeatedly to people) and that there were many others in the world like me.
I spoke to my husband about it, telling him that I finally figure me out and was so happy that there were others like me-and that many of them were in relationships with Sexuals-, that we could learn from them and find a way to make our relationship work not that we knew what we were dealing with. He tried, but could not see a way for us to work since he could not live without regular sex. (I think he’s a hypersexual.)
So he requested a divorce. I moved out in June. We did divorce but it was one of those rare divorces where we sit down talk to each other and discuss the terms of the divorce. We continued to be friends, talking frequently, supporting each other through our ups and downs and loving each other. In that way this divorce was incredibly difficult. We loved each other so much that it hurt to be apart. He dated a couple of ladies, which we talked about and I supported. I really, truly wanted him to find someone he could be happy with.
Then in December, I opted to move halfway across the country to be closer to my family, he helped me to plan my trip and pack my belongings. We spent quite a bit of time talking and one of the things that I brought up was that I felt that if we were to live a polylifestyle we could both be happy and we could stay together.
In mid-December I left but only three hours into my trip I was in an accident, destroying my car, killing one of the dogs I was traveling with, and putting me into the local ER. I called him for help. He was the first person I wanted to talk to afterwards and the person who I desperately needed at that moment in time. He dropped everything to come and get me. He brought me back to his house and we spent a lot of time together talking about our relationship, about how we both wished we could make it work. Once again, I brought up the polylifestyle as a solution. We talked a little bit about how, in theory, we would like a polylifesyle to work, and we both wished that we had tried it earlier. But I had already made arrangements in my new town. I had family expecting me and job interviews scheduled. I felt that it was too late for us and that I had to move one with my life, so I flew to my new home.
A few days passed and he called me. He said he still loved me (as I still loved him). He asked me to marry him again. He called me every day for a few days, until I said yes. We were recently remarried after seven months of separation (four months divorced). While we are still living 17,000 mile apart, we are talking a lot about our future. We will not be able to live together for at least 18 months due to work/contract requirements. But we are talking a lot.
We are still in the VERY early stages of figuring out our Poly boundaries, so finding this site is a HUGE help. I am SOOO happy to have you available to us as a resource and as support.
(WOW: Long story eneded up being really-really long)