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Old 01-29-2013, 04:30 AM
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MrFarFromRight MrFarFromRight is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Smack in the middle of The Spanish Revolution!
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OK, Meghan, thanks for answering my questions. Reading these answers to me as well as your replies to others, I get the impression that you don´t really WANT to stay with Hubby. I mean that it isn´t REALLY important to you. You´re giving him a chance to "straighten up and fly right" and if he doesn´t, you´re willing to dump him. I agree with learninginTN that
Quote:
we have 23 years of being together, with at least 1/3 of those years being very happy
sounds like a pretty sorry record... unless you mean something like "1/3 of those years were VERY happy, 1/2 of those years were relatively happy, and 1/6 of those years were a bit boring [or ´up and down´]".

You´re expressing all these negative expectations about your husband:
Quote:
now wonder if the reason he did so was because his laundry wasn't getting done and he had to fix his own meals.

Now, instead, the critical behavior is about all kinds of other things. Plus he also starts oversharing, I would tell him something private, and he would find some public time to share it. I would tell him it hurt, he'd say sorry, and then he would do it again. Needless to say, it didn't take me too long To quit confiding in him.

However, I still feel like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. I'm not sure I'll be able to trust him again-and I've told him so. So that's basically where the issues are just between me and Hubby.

I'm actually stuck between do I still love him enough to stay or do I need to leave because our relationship is too broken.
Another dynamic that strikes me: You spent 5 years having trouble even getting out of bed; your husband continued to treat you like shit (encouraging his TWO late-teenaged [was the elder maybe early-twenties?] daughters to gang up on you - that´s bringing in the BIG guns; that´s putting on the hob-nailed boots to stomp on you) until a therapist told him that he was out of order; you didn´t really have the self-confidence to stand up to your husband until Sweetie came on the scene; and your husband didn´t really start to make an effort until he realised that he might actually lose you.

I think that Sweetie´s done just the right thing, backing off until you and your husband deal with your relationship issues. But I also think that you need to deal with some of your own issues. You don´t need a knight in shining white armour to rescue you: you need to learn that you´re worth fighting for and that it´s YOU who needs to do the fighting.

WHY are you only worth loving because Sweetie loves you? [Because - to be honest (and notwithstanding 4-6 sessions per week of GREAT sex) - your husband wasn´t loving you before: he was taking advantage of your loving him... or at least your trying to love him.] WHY don´t you love yourself?

Goddamit, Meghan, you´re a LOVELY person. You deserve to be loved. You deserve to be loved by the person who matters most: yourself.

As for your husband - and I really think that this is a secondary matter next to your feelings for yourself - I´m not one of those who insists on professional therapy. But unless he makes SOME kind of commitment to real improvement - and professional MC might be the most sensible at this point - I don´t see much hope for him.
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The person who says something is impossible should not interrupt the person who is doing it.
- old Chinese proverb
And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.
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I'd rather have a broken heart / Than have a heart of stone.
- from "Boundless Love (A Polyamory Song)" by Jimmy Hollis i Dickson
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