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Old 01-29-2013, 02:58 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 3,223
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You could talk to the BF about what your relationship agreements are AT THIS POINT IN TIME, what are "hard limits" that will never change and what are "soft limits" that could change over time. Put it in writing. And the date to review them.

You made some assumption mistakes before, could choose to NOT assume now, right? Could get a clarify from him.

Proposed agreements from now til ___whenever checkpoint time is___:
  • BF understands that you not seeing anything else sexually for a time is to establish bonded commitment stuff with him is a soft limit thing? The expectation is that it will loosen up over time?
  • That means it is expected to be the same in return? He is also Closing Down for a time to nurture the bondy thing? (Husband only exception)
  • That you feel threatened sharing him, so will require processing time if he wishes to explore that avenue at some point. DOES he want to explore that avenue? Are you willing to be in polyship with him if this is an option on the table? (get that sorted NOW not later)
  • What are the dealbreakers? (List)
  • How do we expect to solve conflict? (make plan)

Then if everyone is on the same page, everyone is on the same page. Everyone comes together willingly to fly under that banner? Honor the colors you fly under then. Fly the mission. Bon voyage.

Then you can relax about him socializing with other people because you trust he will honor your shared agreements.

Quote:
After all I'm seeing more than one man. But I can't help but feel jealous because I fear someone will take him away from me permanently, i.e, he finds a girl he falls in love with that won't tolerate him seeing anyone else. I feel like I can't keep him around forever, though I want to.
Can't keep anyone around forever. Can only be YOU. Your best you. And they can choose to be with you or not when faced with life choices.

The "I am afraid he will choose to be with someone else if he falls for someone with a personal limitation of "no polyshipping." thing? That's worrying about things that are not yet here, and things that are not in your control. You cannot make his life choices for him.

Being in relationship with him comes with a price of admission. Dealing with the fact that you are responsible for your life choices? And he is responsible for his life choices? That is part of the price.

To be able to relax put those fears down -- it's the building commitment thing and trusting he wouldn't pitch you over just like that! Which is what you are working on with him right? To mutual satisfaction and agreement? Building commitment/trust stuff up?

Could not jump the gun. Worry in advance is like spending time and energy praying for what you do not want.

Could focus on what IS on your plate right now, not what MIGHT be on your plate later down. If it never comes to pass? Wasted time and energy and you have not been really present for your PRESENT TIME with your BF. You were off somewhere else chasing clouds rather than tending realities.

Could choose to give you, him, and your shared relationship the respect it is due and be present for your shared relationship.

Galagirl
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