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Old 01-29-2013, 02:00 AM
Renee Renee is offline
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 9
Default Dealing with Jealousy Over My Secondary

I'll begin by saying I'm the hinge in a relationship with two men, one being my husband, the other, my boyfriend.

My husband and I have been open sexually since we were engaged. I've never had any jealousy issues with this (well, maybe not never, but it's been few, far between, and easily managed). It was relatively recently that I developed real romantic feelings for my boyfriend, which was slightly more difficult for my husband to deal with, but things have been going well though with a lot of communication and honesty.

Lately though I've been dealing with feelings of jealousy toward my boyfriend. When we first started really seeing each other I had assumed that he would be alright with me continuing my relationships with my other "friends" (aka my buddies who I am sexual with) as I was doing when we had met, and also because he had never said anything to the contrary. I found out this wasn't the case after an incident with a mutual friend. He reacted extremely badly and was very upset. After talking to him about this I told him I kind of understood where he was coming from, as we had not made a commitment to each other like my husband and I have. I felt that I was able to become open sexually in my relationship with the husband after I realized that we never wanted to leave each other and that other people couldn't tear us apart, because I feel, as does he, that we will always come back to one another. I told the boyfriend I understood his jealousy because we had not formed that kind of bond.

So, for his sake, I eased up on the "others." My husband was hesitant about this because he feels I'm changing myself for what the boyfriend wants, but I told him that I don't think it's a permanent change and that I wanted to be fair to him. I also reminded him that he and I were monogamous when we started dating and I felt the same principals applied here (to an extent, obviously).

Lately though the boyfriend has been spending time with other girls. I don't know if it's "romantic" time or I'm just being paranoid, but I've become jealous. A lot of it comes from the fact that I feel I have

A.) Temporarily discontinued my external relationships for his benefit
B.) No "right" to keep him to myself if he wants to explore external relationships, though I want to
C.) Been threatened by the thought of another girl being romantically involved with him

I feel that most of this stems from the fact that we don't have the same connection my husband and I have. But I also feel like I'm being unfair- if he wants to see other girls, he should be allowed to, right? After all I'm seeing more than one man. But I can't help but feel jealous because I fear someone will take him away from me permanently, i.e, he finds a girl he falls in love with that won't tolerate him seeing anyone else. I feel like I can't keep him around forever, though I want to.

All this and I'm not even sure if he's being sexual/romantic with these other girls. But it brought up a lot of questions for me that I thought I should deal with.

What are your thoughts?
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