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Old 01-29-2013, 01:31 AM
Octopus Octopus is offline
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 35
Question Irrational break-up fear

hello all,

first of all i want to say i'm happy to have found this forum and have been super enthusiastic about reading up on polyamory info, especially the life stories & blogs section has been absolutely fascinating! btw, i'm a queer cis-female in my twenties. hi *waves

this isn't specifically a poly question, as so much just looking for general advice.

me and my partner have been 'officially' dating for a couple of weeks now, and started sleeping together about half a year ago. we are in an open relationship & interested in polyamory, but both at the moment not actively looking to date or sleep with other people.
that part is all good and happy.

some background: this is my first 'serious' partnership, or rather my first relationship full stop, in years. i'm in my twenties and the first relationship - my only other serious one - ended in a disastrous breakup which left me devastated for weeks (as i suppose, most 'first love' breakups do... ^^). in that relationship, there was a sort of pattern of 'they pursuid me first, i was sort of resistant, then i fell for them, we were happy for a while, then they lost interest and broke up'.

now while rationally i know that there is no reason to suspect the same might happen, at the back of my mind i am stilll applying this 'scheme'. as it is the only relationship course or 'graph' or 'pattern' i've witnessed first hand, something in me believes that this is the way it must always go. so then i pick up things that happen and sometry to fit them into that scheme - basically thinking destructive thoughts like 'since we are happy and i now started letting go of 'resistance', being more vulnerable & open & loving, that must mean they will lose interest soon and break up.

i guess years of monogamous and patriarchic bs conditioning made me subconsciously also subscribe to the whole women are from venus&men from mars shit -- attracting & pulling back/retracting, or if you are approaching your partner that must mean they're pulling away and the only way to avoid that is to pull away yourself.
frankly, i now think that's a load of crap. i think to foster a healthy relationship, one must open oneself --- not pull away.

so to pull this ranting together... these are my questions.
1) i am terrified that we might breakup, even though i am happy in the relationship and as far as i can tell my partner is too. there are no bigger problems or issues. how do i overcome irrational fear of breaking up and instead learn to build confidence & trust in my relationship (or partner)?
2) how do i learn to stop comparing relationships to each other, stop negative/destructive thoughts, etc...?
3) why is this all so confusing?

thank y'all for reading through this pile o' crap...
have a loverly night

octopus
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