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Old 01-28-2013, 02:31 AM
sparklepop sparklepop is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 467

I apologize for resurrecting this thread, but there have been new developments that are...troubling, to say the least.
Don't apologise - it's totally ok to have an ongoing story and most of us here are actually interested in developments.

Let me first say that, since my last post, I caved and gave in to her new terms. I told her to date him, but drop all other relations but him and I. Perhaps this was not the most self-respecting of decisions, but I simply crumbled. Perhaps if I hadn't and stood resolute, we would not have arrived at the current predicament.
Really though, poly isn't about saying "you can have this" or "you can't have that'. Perhaps it's just wording, but wording says a lot. You can't be poly and "tell" her to do anything. You can only communicate what *you* can deal with.

You can't stay and control her. You can only stay and offer your genuine limitations. Then she has a choice whether to stay, under those limitations, or leave.

We fought the next day. It ended when she very passive aggressively said she'd be breaking up with him. I told her not to bother, I didn't want her to hate me; in some ways, that'd be worse.
In all ways, it would be worse. There is no point being in a relationship that is based on control and resentment.

Now, one of the things she promised not to do was to bring him up on her own. And what does she do? She (all smiles, no less) pulls out a love letter he wrote her while they were together. She shows it to a friend of hers and I (it's a beautiful letter) and says to me "Good luck topping this." And then goes further and says "And to add insult to injury, he's my secondary," as if we needed a reminder.
If she genuinely said those words, man, what the hell are you doing with her?

My girlfriend is tactless as hell sometimes. She always lets things slip, she gives me too much information and she accidentally teases below the belt. I've heard her moon on about how sweet a guy is, how peaceful, how he soothes her, how another guy is so sexy. I even stumbled upon a conversation where she told her ex submissive that she couldn't talk to anyone the way she could talk to him, after I'd just moved in with her. I found *that* out of line ..... but this?? Even my GF would never do something like that. God, what the hell are you doing putting up with that? I cannot think of a single innocent explanation for it.

She's clearly either trying to find a way out, trying to push your buttons, or trying to show you that she's full of resentment.

If I were in your shoes, I'd be pulling her up on it - to be honest, I don't think I'd be sticking around. If I did stick around, it would be "two strikes and you are OUT".

I need advice. I don't want to break up with her...this is a last resort. I want to know how to handle this mentally and emotionally. How can I assert to myself that the amount of emotion she can invest in me can eventually equate to the massive amount of love she already feels for him?
I've got to be completely honest.... I don't think you have any hope of reassuring yourself. The initial reassurance has to come from your partner. If they don't give it, you aren't going to feel it. You also can't convince yourself, or assure yourself, that she will eventually feel the same way towards you, as she feels for him right now.

When I got involved with my girlfriend, as I said, she already had a husband and a secondary she was in love with. I *hoped* that one day, I might get to that level with her.... but I never expected it, or told myself I would. I just let things develop naturally.

This poly handout on insecurity is really useful. If you read through the page 5/6 things and you notice that she's not doing any of that stuff, pay attention. You can't succeed together in poly without nurturing. It's NOT all about you getting over your jealousy; it's about you getting over it and her HELPING you do that.

As a final note, I believe that relationships often continue the way that they start off. Especially if you don't hammer out the danger signs swiftly. When I met my current girlfriend, she had learnt bad arguing techniques after 10 years with her husband. During our very first fight, she was very rude to me, swore at me, ordered me around, told me to "get my ass over there NOW". I was nervous. I didn't want to rock the boat. I almost didn't protest. I almost went over there. But.... I didn't want that kind of behaviour to become the future of us. So, I stood up straight, got some balls, and said "I want to talk to you and sort this out, but there is no need to speak to me that way. I will come once you stop being rude." Two years later, I'm so glad that I did, because she's never, ever spoken to me quite that way again.

So, what are you going to do? Are you just going to feel (understandably) depressed and anxious, bury your head and attempt not to be insecure? What about the next time she upsets you? What about when you need a cuddle, or reassurance? Are you going to keep doing all the work on your own and torture yourself? Or are you going to stand up and say "hey, what was all that about with the letter? Why did you say that to me?"

You will only be treated as you allow yourself to be treated. If your relationship is two thirds bad to one third good, you might want to do some serious thinking honey.
Me: 32f, evolving

“Peace comes from within. Do not seek it without." ~ Buddha
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