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Old 01-02-2010, 11:31 PM
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Ravenesque Ravenesque is offline
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Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: New York
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Quote:
Originally Posted by River View Post
I do think that I have a polyamorous nature, and that I'm not inclined toward monogamy. This wasn't always the case. I've changed. After my first love relationship crumbled, something fundamentally shifted in my heart and soul. I'll never again expect that any single person or relationship can fulfill all of my needs for intmacy and loving. So far as I can tell. And that is in no way suggestive that I can't love fully. I can.

I'm capable of monogamy. It's just not my preference. Is it an orientation more than a preference? I suppose it is. Hmm.

So, yeah, I think I'm a poly person. And I'm not sure it matters so much that we all agree on how to use language to define or describe our relationships. That is, if there is a poly person and a mono person together in a relationship, I'd say let them decide whether the relationship is poly or whatever. For some, it will be important to define the relationship as poly. Great! Let 'em. Others won't define it that way because some member/s of the grouping are mono. Fine. Whatever.

I'm willing to be persuaded that I'm missing some important point in my response. I'm just trying to find the most respectful approach to the question -- and, frankly, I'm not sure it matters much how folks settle it.

One thing does seem clear enough to me, however. Some people are poly -- whether or not they are involved in "romantic" relationships and whether or not they have multiple partners. I'm definitely poly, but I have only one partner! At the moment.
I understand what you've said. Whether it is a preference or an orientation, I know that polyamory is what feels right to me. I'm in a relationship with one other as well at the moment but that doesn't somehow mean that I am not polyamorous. The same would be true is I was solo.

The concept of "I am in a poly relationship therefore I am poly," bases too much of who I am, of what my identity is, on other people. I think this can also lead to an unhealthy mindset at times of "I have had this many poly relationships or had these relationships this long therefore I am poly-er than thou."

How polyamory is attached to one's identity and the form it takes within their relationships is up to that person and those within relationships.


Quote:
Originally Posted by River View Post
This hardly seems to be the case with either myself or my partner of 14 years. We both have goals, but not so much goals for our relationship. We share common goals -- like going backpacking in spring..., but the word "commitment" seems more fitting as foundational in our relationship than "goals" does.

We're committed to being honest with one another, loving one another, trying to be kind and loving as much as we can.... We're committed to staying open to growth and evolution. To trusting one another. Stuff like that. Goals are not so much the ruddder or the guidance for us. Our commitments are. Focussing on goals overly much can get in the way of the unpredictable nature of life's natural unfolding.
My love and I have separate goals as well but they are not identical to each other or even similar in some cases. We support each other in our individual dreams and endeavors.

What I do find to be a crucial part of any relationship is the sharing of values. It could possibly be highlighted as a cornerstone of compatibility.

~Raven~
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~Open up your mind and let me step inside.
Rest your weary head and let your heart decide. It's so easy.
When you know the rules.
It's so easy. All you have to do is fall in love.
Play the game.
Everybody play the game of love. Yeah...~
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