I have some stuff going on in my head, I don't particularly think that rambling about it will help me come to any conclusions, but maybe I'll get lucky. I may have rambled about a bit of this before.
I have the "problem" that I don't often find myself instantly attracted to people, even at my most socially active when I met lots of new people, it never averaged more than once a year. Also every third one tends to be a gay male... lets just say I don't expect that to suddenly change where I find myself attracted to people left and right
Over the last 9 or so years it's only happened with two men and two women. Only one of these was in a situation where it was meeting somebody who was poly and led to a date. I resisted going up to the guy in the grocery store with long flaming red hair who looked like a fucking Viking to tell him that I thought he was cute, yes that's my husband over there, and would you like my number? Man I wish I was an extrovert.
I've figured out that I look for different things when kissing men vs women. With women I like a slow sensual energy. Presumably because I haven't ended up involved sexually with a female yet, I prefer the idea of a slower path, as opposed to immediately being carried away with lust and wanting to get naked. As at this rate I'm getting the feeling it's unlikely I'll end up dating women that's more just a fact I'm filing away.
Men on the other hand, I'd really prefer that kissing is passionate/exciting/compatible right off the bat (at least after the first date that involves kissing where it's all nervous making) even if I wasn't "attracted at first sight". Having both immediate chemistry AND compatible kissing right away hasn't happened for 20 years though. Besides a cuddle party where I am pretty sure I kissed some guys but only remember the girls... I've only kissed 6 guys since non monogamy entered the picture, and I'd categorize those experiences from anywhere from "the worst kisses anybody in the entire world probably ever suffered through", to "eh", to "nice, I guess." I've also experienced sexual compatibility with people I didn't feel kissing compatibility with, so I know that they don't have to go hand in hand, but I'd like to avoid having sex with people I'm not really excited about.
I really _fucking love_ kissing my partners, but it wasn't immediate. Still no clue how I ended up dating Adam when I had no intention for more than friendship, and poor Brian, I remember on our third date pretty much saying "Ok, kiss me with everything you got" and I figured if that didn't spark something deep in my loins, I probably shouldn't go out with him again. It didn't, but I kept going out with him, thank goodness because at some point we worked that out it seems. I can't imagine how wacko that must've seemed, good thing he's tolerant. The fact that both relationships I'm in are with people I wasn't sure about for awhile makes me wary to make snap judgments about chemistry at all.
Adam was chuckling at me because he said I'm approaching this scientifically
The factors that I'm trying to figure out how to apply to figure out if I'm compatible with people I meet (cause I find it probable that one more relationship is all I can fit into my time) are
1. friendship potential
2. chemistry (initial)
3. sexual compatibility/sexual chemistry, and how to/if I should consider that at all if the first two aren't present.
4. commute time
...but dead serious
Wow am I over thinking this or what? It's just that I reactivated my OKC profile so I'd like to be clear about the subject. I think I want some magic answer to the question "How many times should I go on a date with a perfectly nice person when it's not clear if it will end being a good match in the long run?" I suppose I imagine it's different if somebody seems to be a potential friend, and truth is I probably should answer my own question with - once. If they are perfectly nice but I don't sense we'd make good friends, once is enough. Most of my good friends I have hit it off with immediately now that I think about it. I also think I just answered one of my other musings - " I'd like to avoid having sex with people I'm not really excited about." But I'm torn because I think I'm open to see if I could enjoy a FWB where the friendship is the most important part of the relationship, which would probably work out better if I didn't want to get naked within 5 minutes of seeing them. Sigh.