Thank you so much for your thoughtful reply, Fuchka. Lot of good insight there.
I think you're absolutely right that I need to think about this in terms of me and Gia. All along, I've been leaning on crutches to understand and deal with the various roadblocks to our sex life. Stuff to make it about something other than her and me... about her pregnancy, her libido, her orientation... and while I think it's natural to want to try to identify the factors that might be feeding into things, it's probably not wise to focus too much on that stuff. I mean, if I really convince myself that Gia is mostly-straight and that's why we aren't intimate as much as I'd like, how on earth will I cope if she suddenly develops an infatuation with another woman? I have to either be ok or not be ok in our relationship as it is
, regardless of why exactly it is that way.
Originally Posted by fuchka
There may be many reasons why things are particularly complex in the sexual desire department between you and Gia... Can this be addressed head-on? Or sideways, vulnerable, hopeful, light-footed... ?
There IS a lot going on that's she-and-me specific. One of those things has definitely been her feeling pressure when it comes to our relationship. I think our date last night may have helped with that (will describe more in another post). I love the last phrase you use above. Vulnerable, hopeful, light-footed. As much as I'd like to, I can't have "faith" in our relationship at this point in time. Things seem too unsure, and I've been hurt before in other relationships in ways that are hard to forget. But I can have hope, and I can be light and flexible and vulnerable and open within that hope.
It's helpful to hear that you relate to how she feels, and that space and lack of pressure makes a big difference for you.
And you're spot on with the idea of patience as a form of service. I've tried to conceptualize it like that before, with varying degrees of success, and I think it's an important idea to hold onto. Non-action can definitely be service. Heck, with Eric I've sometimes felt the desire to perform little acts of service (less so lately), and when I've felt that way I've reminded myself that he's explicitly said that he doesn't want that, and I've thought to myself "NOT serving him is the best way to truly serve him, because it's about what HE wants."
Similarly, this is about what she wants, and about me giving it to her. The difference being that while Eric presumably has little to no idea about my internal landscape when it comes to him, and what I do or don't do and why, Gia is very aware that when I go a whole evening without touching her, at her request, and am not tense or weird about it, despite the fact that of course I'd LIKE to touch her, that it's about me respecting her wishes and showing her love and service. Again, more soon in another post.