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Old 01-25-2013, 11:47 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Gia and I have our January date tomorrow, a Saturday. I'd been kinda wondering, in the back of my head, if it would really happen. She was eager enough to set the date back when we were rescheduling, but then, when I tried to establish a time frame for it... morning, afternoon, evening?... she got really antsy and didn't want to be pinned down. No big deal, I thought, she's stressed, she wants to keep things flexible. But she'd never reacted like that before, and it reminded me of how I act when I'm agreeing to do something I don't really want to do. So, part of me wondered.

I messaged her today, just to say hi, and she admitted to me that she's stressed out about the date, said that she didn't know why. I posed some possibilities -- maybe she feels like she's been asking Eric to babysit too often? Maybe her weekend time is just too important for getting chores done, and she'd feel better if we got together on a weeknight, like we normally do? She said that it might be those things, to some degree, but that more than anything she 1) was feeling very unsure about the D/s scene we'd had planned, and 2) was feeling claustrophobic physically, like she needed space.

Number 1 I could totally understand. No problem, I said, we can call off the scene, we shouldn't be pushing ourselves or each other into things we're not ready for. As for number 2... that set off an alarm bell. She had just been mentioning to me, a few days before, how much more sex she and Eric have been having since he went on a new anti-depressant drug and his mood improved. And then there was the matter of Dexter. I asked her, finally, if she and he had gotten together last weekend. She told me that they had, and said that there's now one less virgin in the world. What a powerful experience for her, I thought to myself, to be his first. How bonding that must be.

So. She is more than happy to be physically close to the men in her life. But not to me. The reason seemed beyond obvious. I told her that I thought we ought to consider the fact that it might just be that I'm a woman, and her mind and her body are inclined towards men right now. I've been in the position before of feeling like I "ought" to have sex with someone when I didn't really want to, and physically claustrophobic is a good way to describe my experience of that feeling.

"But," she said "it shouldn't be that way!!!"

"It might be part of it, though," she went on to say. "Or it could just be stress, or anxiety, the sort I've always had."

Of course it might, I agreed.

We talked a little more, and we agreed that I wouldn't initiate any physical contact, I would leave any and all touching completely up to her. She said that if we could do that, and if things could really be ok like that, she'd find it very reassuring. I promised her that we could just eat dinner and hang out, that I wouldn't be expecting anything. I told her that I felt calm and flexible. And I did, as I was typing. She told me that there was an entire year, in her relationship with Eric, when she didn't ever want him to initiate. She couldn't promise me that this was the same, she said, but it was, at least, in line with how her various anxieties have played out in the past. I drew some comfort from that thought.

Then I went to lunch and read over the conversation a couple of times. On my way back to my office I cried a little. Just letting the feeling of sadness pass through me. Maybe my girlfriend is straight. Maybe my girlfriend is straight. I was surprised at how calm I was, despite the tears. "No expectations," I told myself. There's nothing wrong with being straight, she shouldn't feel like it's wrong if that's really how it is for her now. But what would it mean for us? On her blog, sometimes she refers to me as "hers." How can she feel that way and not want me? Could I really be ok with being her non-sexual girlfriend, if things end up continuing in this direction?

I felt around in my heart, and discovered that I honestly didn't feel jealous about Eric, or about Dexter, I *just* wanted to know what will happen with her and me... which of course I can't know. It's frustrating and scary. Still, whatever changed in me when I made the decision to accept her involvement with Dexter and release any sense of control about it, it seems to be holding, and that's a relief at least. I think this would all be so much harder if I was still thinking in the way I had been before that shift.

During the course of the day, I thought about talking to Eric about my conversation with Gia. He and I chatted about some other things, but I didn't bring it up. When I got home, I thought about talking to my roommate Eddie about it. We talk about anything and everything when it comes to sex and love, but I didn't bring it up. What could anyone offer me in response to "I think my girlfriend might be straight" except sympathy? I didn't want to hear anyone say "I'm sorry."
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Me, 30ish bi female, been doing solo poly for roughly 5 years. Gia, Clay, and Pike, my partners. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler.
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