Arghghg well thank you Breathe Deeply, I know you're right about communication. I have many fears of telling BF what's in my head. Afraid he'll react badly then I'll feel awkward whenever bump into my Old Flame guy. Afraid he'll feel threatened in a way he doesn't need to.
I'm working this out in my head first, but I'll get there eventually. You're right, he'll probably figure it out soon enough. I already feel like i'm sneaking around a bit.
And Boring guy, interesting observations. Really. Am I looking for a place to belong? Good question. Probably so, but not in the way you suggest. I've always avoided labels, be they about religion, politics or sexuality, or even how I eat. I'm pretty unsettled sexually, don't really know what my orientation is, I don't understand why I can never relate to my girlfriend's love dramas, I always feel alone. I haven't been shunned by any alternative groups, I'm too scared to explore any! By asking if my thing fits a definition of poly, or open relationship, I think I mean it in it's most ordinary sense. Maybe I am wondering what the difference between an open relationship and a poly one is. If it's simply casual hook ups on one persons part, is that open? Do all members have to be romantically involved to be considered polyamorous? Or can one person in the relationship be in love with two people, while the other isn't? I can look these things up myself I guess.
Am i an agnostic or an atheist? Who cares, let's just talk about shit.
I'm hoping to use this situation as a catalyst to explore this somewhat repressed/unrealized sexual understanding of myself. But I'm running into trouble with the idea of juggling the feelings of others. I'm super duper scared to hurt anyone!
I came to talk to the internet because I know my friends will tell me simply not to "go there". I need more to work with than that. The opinions of strangers can cultivate new ideas.