My desires don't fit boyfriend's boundries
Hi, this is my first post.
Since my boyfriend and I got together 2 1/2 years ago, we have discussed having an open relationship. It's a sensitive topic as I'm sure you all know, and takes lots of respectful negotiation. Neither of us have yet to act on this, and that's ok (he came very close one time at a bar but got a weird vibe from the lady and decided not to).
My BF is a very regular straight guy, his reactions and turn-ons tend to be predicable (for example he likes the idea of me sleeping with a girl, or he'd like to try a threesome). As for an open relationship, he's ok with me fucking a guy casually if I go traveling somewhere. He's probably less comfortable with the guy being from this city but would still give permission.
The basic rules are: No exes and no one from work.
This has been pretty cool with me, but as time wears on I'm having to admit to myself that I'm not interested in casual sex! I feel like a prey animal when a stranger man hits on me, but things change quite a bit if I know him at least a little. Sex is usually lousy with one night stands. I traveled alone in Hawaii for four weeks last year and did not hook up at all! I don't travel that often, I'm a busy full time working person, so I really don't meet new people that much.
The idea of BF having sex with another woman turns me on quite a bit. But he's a busy busy man so the opportunity just doesn't come up, and he doesn't pursue it.
**Enter the OLD FLAME**
Five years ago I had an interesting and fairly intense emotional relationship with a man for a few months. It's a long story but we didn't date "normally" because his marriage was exploding at this time. No sex, no touching etc. I fell VERY hard for him back then, but it crashed and burned.
Now he's back at the same place I work. The same place my boyfriend works. I thought I had gotten over him but NO no no the electricity is still there man. We are dear friends, but he's very very reserved. It's hard to talk about our feelings, it mostly hangs in the air unsaid. Which keeps things nicely contained in our professional environment. That is until I watched his band perform recently and saw the real him, open, happy, and not afraid to communicate with me about everything. And flirt. Oh beer....
So now I know for sure he loves me too, but he's not the 'cheating type".
I don't know why I bother writing this, there's no way to make this work out, is there? I would just LOVE to have Mr Old Flame as my occasional lover, someone to connect with and party with and have that new sexual energy feeling with. Someone I can truly love but not make future life plans with. My feelings for him go quite deep but his reserved arm's-length nature means I wouldn't leave my BF for him. I'm quite confident of this.
But they'd have to look each other in the eye. They don't work together directly right now but they will cross paths sometimes. They do know each other.
Old Flame is not exactly my ex, but we do work in the same place so this is against my boyfriend's rules.
Having to resist this man AGAIN is so unbelievably painful for me. My boyfriend is a stupendous human being and i don't want to fuck it up with him. But after 20 years of serial monogamist relationships I just KNOW that they get stifling after a while. I can foresee a future where I lose interest in sex with him. Because we are in a routine, life just does this to people. Isn't it always the same? The thrill of having this old two-way crush reignited has ramped my sex drive way up again and my BF is benefiting. This is why I think openess can be healthy for a relationship.
Does any of this fit within the definition of polyamory? I'm not sure if I'm looking for advice or just venting. Thanks for reading my long winded post.
Last edited by AutumnalTone; 01-31-2013 at 02:51 AM.