I've kind of let this blog slide. In my last post I was feeling euphoric, but it quickly evaporated and my insecurities started picking away at me again. Hungry. Mean. Destructive.
I get so scared when Twitch starts growing closer to someone else. My heart aches and I feel shaky. I have an overwhelming urge to pull us back into the (false) security of monogamy. But we've changed and I don't think we could return if we wanted to. I remind myself of all the reasons why we started down this path and of the good it's brought into our relationship, and into our lives. Of how much fuller our love is now.
It took me a bit of introspection to sort things out. It really comes down to this: if I am feeling loved and cherished, then I am good with our polyamorous relationship model, but if I feel taken for granted, or like Twitch is not very interested in me, then I start feeling threatened.
I was missing the level of contact that we had built into our relationship this Fall; the texts, the phone conversations, the special little things that said, "Hey, I still see you." We had spent so much time together during the month of December and into the beginning of January that these little gestures had fallen by the wayside.
It seems we need to keep relearning these things. I'm hopeful that these practices will become ingrained over time and part of the fabric of our lives.
Another thought is that with time we'll have more experienced and we'll have a personal history of living life poly, rather than just putting blind faith on theory and hoping it'll all work.
I'm reading a book called Intimacy and Desire by Dr. David Schnarch. It's started me questioning if I've become a bit unbalanced through our relationship changes of the past two years, so that my sense of self is now a reflected sense of self. That I don't know myself well enough anymore to feel secure in who I am, so I am looking for my partner to provide that. If that's the case, then I need to do some internal work to learn how to build autonomy while being still in tune with my husband.