Here we go
I posted my introduction in the Introduction section not too long ago where I explained that I'm in a D/s relationship. I knew from the beginning that N was poly. He's been extremely patient with me as I came to terms with this. We talked a lot, he answered all my questions, and more important, has reassured me time and time again that I'm the love of his life and he wants us to grow old together. And to be honest, I've always felt that a relationship with ONLY one person forever and ever seemed a bit unnatural. How can you promise to just love that one person and never love anyone else? So the concept wasn't all that hard for me to grasp. But of course it's very different when it's you.
N told me a couple of weeks ago that he'd met someone that he thinks we'd both like very much. Ideally, what he has wanted was someone we both could be close to, who would like to be a part of our relationship part-time, if that makes sense. I'm bi so it would be perfect if we could both feel a connection with her. But he's been honest to say that while that's what he would like to find, he could never promise that he wouldn't develop deep feelings for someone. He's been very honest about everything and I appreciate that and I don't think I could have gotten this far without that honest and open communication. I do trust him completely. He has made me promise that I'll talk to him about my feelings as we go along, about fears or concerns or anything that might make me feel angry or jealous...so that we can deal with them together. Yes I'm a very lucky girl!
So far, there's been nothing between them but a lot of talking and getting to know each other. Partly because he doesn't rush into anything, but partly I'm sure because he wants to give me time to deal with each step before he takes the next.
Last night she came over and we finally met. She's very very sweet, good sense of humor, and I don't pick up on anything that would make me think she would want to cause problems. He did tactfully excuse himself for a little while and I know it was so she and I could talk. She told me how nervous she'd been to meet me and asked how I felt about the whole thing. I told her I'm excited about a new adventure and looking forward to getting to know her. Which is true. But I guess I wasn't completely honest because I didn't talk to her about everything else I'm feeling. I'm not sure I want to talk to her about those my fears and insecurities.
Then he came back and the three of us visited awhile. Nothing heavy, just chatting and joking and laughing. I do like her and I do have a good feeling about her. After an hour or so, I excused myself, saying I was feeling very tired. I did this to let him know I was ok with everything and to let him know he has my blessings. It was the hardest thing I think I've ever done. They both said good night and he looked into my eyes and told me he loved me. Then I left.
Now he's told me I can ask anything and that he will hide nothing from me and will never do anything "behind my back." Today everything is as it always is. He texts me several times a day just to let me know he's thinking about me, to ask how my day is going, to tell me he misses me, etc. Neither of us has mentioned last night. I know I could ask but I really don't want to. I want so badly to just not feel the way I'm feeling. It's not exactly jealousy. I've never been a jealous person. But it feels....strange. I think I might be a little insecure. Not insecure about him leaving me or liking her better; I know how much he loves me and how committed he is. I think in the back of my mind is the possiblity that he could come to REALLY care for her and I think about how much that would hurt. I know it shouldn't hurt me and in my head, I understand and believe in the poly way of life. But my heart isn't cooperating.
I'm not sure if any of this is making any sense. I just want to do this right and I don't want to take advantage of his "open door" policy. I don't want to put him in a position of betraying her confidence or "kissing and telling." I just don't want to make mistakes that would let him (and myself) down.