In love with 2 men and confused
Hi everyone. Just a little about me, I'm 46 and have been married to the same man for the past 20 years - plus lived with him for 3 yrs before getting married. I love him dearly and don't want to lose him, but I don't know if I can stay with him either. When we got married we agreed that if either of us did anything outside of our marriage we just had to tell the other one about it. This has allowed him to kiss his ex-girlfriend and a coworker he was attracted to, get a BJ from a stranger, and go to strip clubs(for work).
Also, over the course of the years, he began belittling me and chipping away at my self-confidence bit by bit. I finally caught on to what was happening and made demands that he stop - and he has been making a real effort to change because he doesn't want to get divorced.
Now to introduce Sweetie. I met him at a conference that we both went to in August 2011. He walked into a room I was in waiting for a meeting to start and I felt an electric charge, I turned around saw him and knew he was the cause (I felt the same thing the first time I saw Hubby too). We spent the rest of the conference kind of dancing around each other. I found out later that I was driving him crazy because he couldn't figure me out. Of course the reason he couldn't figure me out was because every time we started getting close I would pull back because I wasn't self-confident enough to get involved with anyone.
Fast forward to August 2012, it's a yearly conference, met up with him again - except this time the hotel assigned us to adjacent rooms. By this time I had gotten fed up with Hubbys behavior and was standing up for myself. Sweetie and I ended up going to meals together, going for drinks after the end of the day, hanging out with each other during breaks and during down time. We did alot of talking, plus hugging and holding hands. The last night there we cuddled and made out (with no removal of clothes-my rule) like a couple of horny teenagers till he told me we'd best stop as we were pushing the limits of his self control. Also, Sweetie knew I was married and about the agreement Hubby and I had before we did anything. Sweetie is single and not presently dating anyone, though I encourage him to do so should he find someone he wants to.
Anyways, I got home and told Hubby what happened ASAP the first night I was back, per agreement. He didn't seem too upset, and I didn't worry about it. Did wonder where Sweetie lived, seemed happy when I told him in the Midwest, we live in SoCal. Then he realized we were texting or talking every other day or so. Hubby did not like that. Attempted to inform me that I wasn't allowed to do that, he lost that fight. In fact now Sweetie and I text and/or talk everyday. Usually it is just talking about our day or telling the other something about ourselves that we know the other one doesn't know. Sometimes it's flirting, sometimes I'll send him a ETB text (evil teasing bitch). A couple of times it's been phone sex. And sometimes it is me asking him for a male point of view in trying to understand Hubby.
The big problem to present itself came about in November. Hubby had made plans for one of his daughters to come visit at our house for a long weekend. There a lot of issues with this particular daughter and they have a lot to do with the problems Hubby and I have. He did ask me beforehand and I had agreed, reluctantly. I thought I could handle it, but as the date kept getting closer I started getting antsy, and short tempered, and having flashbacks. So Hubby suggested I go visit my brother while his daughter was at our house. One note, I have figured out-and Hubby knows-that Sweetie lives about a 50 minute drive (according to goggle maps) from my brother. Thus it is a given that I am going to see Sweetie while I am out there. Then Hubby decides unilaterally that our agreement that we have had for our entire marriage is null and void, and that if I sleep with Sweetie he will file for divorce. The same agreement that he has taken advantage of multiple times. He does allow that we can be as physically involved as we were at the conference. Not that it does me any good, I have to tell Sweetie about Hubby's ultimatum and Sweetie is determined not to cause any problems so there was very little that went on physically between us. Of course on the flip side we had much more intimate conversations than we had had on the phone prior to my visit. It wasn't till after that visit that we began conversing daily, and our conversations since then have been a lot deeper.
So basically where I'm at is that I love them both very much. I'm trying to work things out with Hubby, but I don't want to lose the love I have with Sweetie. Hubby loves me, but doesn't think - at this point that he can share me with another man. Sweetie loves me and only wants me to be happy. He does not want to feel like he is the cause of Hubby and I splitting if that is what ends up happening. Any comments?