Having a 'not so good' time right now, actually. Some things changed and I am still thinking about a way to deal with that.
Sward has been to the urologist. Bad news
His spermiogram says that there is too few sperm for us to get pregnant in a natural way. Probably. Similar to winning the lottery or something like that. Felt like a punch in the gut when he told me. I don't quite know how to handle that. It would be possible to have an IVF or ICSI or how all those methods are called. But that's expensive. Nothing I can afford till I work and when I work I want the first child to be there to have some time to concentrate on my work. Generally seen, all those hormones and 'buying' a child and going against nature and what not. I am really unsure about this.
I asked Lin to get tested as well. I don't want this to happen a second time when I think about him later on. If I need to deal with this, I want it over now, not the same topic again after some years. The chance that there is something preventing pregnancy in his case is even more likely because of all the meds he had to take during his life.
Maybe we are meant to stay childless. Should one press such a matter? I don't know.
Sward is dealing with it. At least if there is a major internal problem he doesn't show much of it. He was the one wanting a child mostly. As I am hurting like that right now, I guess he feels similarly. At least it doesn't sem to take the turn of “I am less a man because of this”. That's a relief. He is mourning the opportunity if we should decide against artificial insemination. For now we will wait for the second test and see if there is a different result. Unlikely but we will get an in depth analysiz then.
Lin has withdrawn himself from the discussion. He told me that we (Sward and I) should handle this the way we would have if he (Lin) wasn't in the picture. He leaves the decision to us, because he feels like this isn't something he should meddle with. But he himself asked if I want him to take the test as well, to have some facts to work with. Maybe it would be a possibility to 'switch' the order, try first with Lin (if he is capable) and have the artificial insemination later on when there is money and time again. Don't know if this would be a way to go; Lin and my relationship is still young. I am unsure. It would be a wish we already feel, we want children and as the cards are dealt like that … maybe.
Many 'if's und such right now. We will see.
Facts: 30, female, bi, v-type relationship with Sward (husband, straight, mono) and Lin (boyfriend, straight, mono), poly-fi and co-primary.