If being with these folks does not bring out your best self, why be there at all?
“If love was easy, it wouldn't be worth it”
“It’s not over if its hard, if its hard it’s only the beginning.”
I want to believe the both of those quotes are true.
I see that you WANT to believe in those quotes. Then perhaps your suffering would have been for a reason rather than for nothing.
But what's your direct experience been so far? What's your reality? Not your want
or your I wish it were
... your REALITY?
If you have to struggle to convince yourself to stay -- that could be telling you something. If you struggle and WANT to believe those quotes, rather than just believing them... that could be telling you something. Why ignore your own gut?
If you have tried to leave before and they make it hard for you to leave with mixed messages? That's manipulative.
I can see why one wouldn't want their live in sex toy/babysitter to walk off. Can you?
If you have left before, lied to be elsewhere -- something here is not bringing out your best self, something here is not helping you to feel safe and secure. Why keep wishing to find something here that just... isn't here? You gave it a try, and it's the end of the run. IT IS NOT ALL YOU. Yes, there are places you could improve. But you are not a trio ALONE. Blame shifting is a tactic.
I think deep down you know that you are not healthy here and struggle to come to terms with that. Your return on your investment here is unsatisfactory. Investing MORE time, energy, emotion... not looking likely to be any different.
This may be hard to hear. I apologize. But it is well meant. I am not saying you are being abused and I certainly hope you are not being emotionally or mentally abused on top of everything else.
But you are in a very weird dynamic over there, have had a rough past, and I'm not sure you can see straight. Lots of red flags.
You seem to sound very Stage 2
in your posts. Where you keep wishing the bad stuff would just STOP so you could get to be happy. You could take a deep breath and then...
Take a look at speak out loud list of tactics.
Is anything there ringing any other bells here?
Perhaps you feel stuck and unable to leave -- lack of funds, lack of help from family, other friends. Is this where you are also at? Not freely able to go not just emotionally
but in practical terms too?
You are not satisfied there, your needs are not met. You are not being treated well. You are not being shown consistent love, caring, or respectful behavior. You are on an emotional roller coaster sounding ride. You do not have to remain committed to THIS type of treatment. You are not bad to want to stop it and not have this in your life.
From your first post about whether or not you should throw in the towel, I've seen your struggle. I truly am sorry you struggle. I see that you suffer. I am sad that you are in this space. As painful as coming to terms with the reality is... it is still the reality you have on your hands right now.
If they are not changing their behavior, despite your asking them to? The relationship WILL NOT BE FIXED. NOTHING you can do will solve it. Because 100% of your effort alone is not enough. 100% of your effort represents only 33.33% of the fuel to run a trio. If the other people are not there in it as solid as you, all your work is for naught. Your wants, needs and limits will just not be met.
The relationship will bring you nothing new -- just more of same old song, different day. If you are also suffering emotional, mental, psychological or physical abuse over there in all this wacky -- it's that much higher in volume in terms of suffering.
I can offer sympathy, I can offer the knowledge that I do read all your words.
I can tell you that I see you suffer and you do not suffer unseen and alone.
But I cannot magically wave a wand and make it be better for you.
Only you have that power to seek local aid for yourself.
I will continue to hope that things eventually get better for you and you reach your next future happiness. But before anyone can give you advice on how to get to that future happiness goal -- you have to come to some kind of decision that is different than "Tell me how to fix the unfixable."
There is no fix. You have already tried. There is only leave this dynamic.
Stop living together, leave them entirely, something else. Anything really -- see if changes help you feel better. Even go home to your family of origin to take a break from all this and get some perspective, rest, etc. SOMETHING new. YKWIM?
to change something/leave and being able
to change something/leave SAFELY -- that's other problems. I know that. You have to take this in layers. One baby step at a time.
I truly hope you are safe enough over there right now as you sort out what you want your next steps to be.