So, I have been told that I am playing the victim within my polyfidelitous relationship, and I actually really want to fix that. When I lived at home with my parents it was about my parents and what I could do for them, how I could make them happy. I was forced to lie and hide things that most teens shouldn't have to do. I didn't have much of a personal life and when I did, it was only theater. (a true passion in my life- irrelevant but a random fact about me) So, I pretty much woke up, went to school, went home, did chores and homework and did whatever my mom needed me to do. I had the occasional boyfriend and it seemed I have fallen for guys who best represent the life situation with my parents. I let myself be controlled and demanded and allowed myself be reprimanded. And at that point in time, I thought that was ‘okay”, I thought that it was what was normal.
And then I came across a couple that wants to bring me into their world. I was beyond lucky that I’d found two people who wanted me and wanted to “help/save” me? I guess. I was grateful for their generosity and the compassion. But that’s when all the problems happened. I had turmoil with my mother. My biological father was on and off of his death bed so frequently it was terribly depressing. School was much too intense. It seemed to bombard me. All while I was still trying to cope with the miscarriage. I tried to forget about it, stuff away my emotions about it but the smallest things reminded me and KILLED me.
So within the relationship, I was closed off and rude. Left without telling them. And I guess as they must have seen it expected them to take care of me. ( I will say this much to my defense, I didn't and I was in a rough patch and just didn't realize it) Sam frequently wanted me to leave, I am sure. Glenn had to defend me and gave me the benefit of the doubt and I pretty much made him the fool every time but he still went to defend me again. There was only one point in which Glenn didn't care if I stayed or left. And that was a tremendously HUGE fight. Horrible. I was just very cut off and reserved.
The play was not capturing my attention as much as it should have. My school work wasn't important and I didn't make the effort until close to the end of the semester. I was overly-emotional, jealous and bitchy. I accused them of not loving/wanting/needing them when they expressed otherwise. The smallest things made me FLIP A BITCH. To be blunt. I had a fiery red hot Latina attitude and I pretty much threw it all out. When I screamed, I screamed loud. When I was silent it was a deadly silence. And when I was emotional, I was actually really cut off lying on the shower floor, cutting. (A bad addiction I’m still working to get over) I let my ex-boyfriend torment me and still continued a friendship with bitches that didn't deserve the time of day. I was overly consumed with the computer and sleeping. I cared more about the newest drama than my relationship. I am pretty sure that is exactly how I was for the first 3 months.
The past two, I have tried to improve. Make more of an effort to say where I am going and when I will be back and who I am with. I have tried to make an effort to be with the two of them but of course, it never goes the way I expect it should. It has been a point in which we are okay, and we are not. I made more of an effort when Glenn found out what Sam did. Christmas was a big fight between him and I. I lied about hanging out with someone and pretty much said I was leaving. Came back a few hours later, and pretty much “conned” Sam into admitting it because the movie just got me to thinking about hiding things and lying and I felt like shit because I was doing it do Glenn. Well Glenn found out and around that time I made more of an effort, cleaning being close and talkative. Trying to be a shoulder to cry on etc.
BUT EVERYONE HAS THEIR BREAKING POINT. I was/am overly concerned about me and what was going to happen to us if Glenn decided to leave and I did not want either of them to leave. And then I made a hasty decision of leaving to “better” their marriage and they both were pretty emotional over it. Glenn cried twice in front of me because he a) didn't want me to leave because he loves me and b) he hated breaking promises to me. I was just really confused and hurt because they were promising the relationship to last and work. That Glenn would never leave and it was at that point. I lost my cool to say plainly. I see the wrongs now that I am thinking about it, but how do I fix them? How do I be a better partner to them and not freak on them for what they are going through too. Because I know Glenn needs his time. And they need to fix their marriage. And I know that Glenn has his emotions and we don’t want him to be closed off, but how I can make it easier for them on my part? I just want to fix the relationship and hopefully but it in a point where we can all benefit from the hard time right now.
“If love was easy, it wouldn't be worth it”
“It’s not over if its hard, if its hard it’s only the beginning.”
I want to believe the both of those quotes are true.