View Single Post
Old 01-23-2013, 06:27 PM
Helo's Avatar
Helo Helo is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: California
Posts: 279

Originally Posted by Marcus View Post
Agreed, but I would argue that this is less an issue of monogamy and more an issue about views on independence. I say this because, permission based relationships are not exclusively monogamous - far from it.

Consider people in open relationships who self-identify as swingers. Every swinger I have met had VERY specific rules about how their partners were allowed to interact with other lovers. Some of these rules are so specific and so numerous as to be comical to me. However, these relationships are not technically monogamous but follow the same restrictive removal of independence.

Poly style relationships fall into this category as well, many of them it seems. When people have direct say in how another grown person behaves, that is agreed authoritarianism (in that it is not a forced situation). Rules about when they need to be informed of new lovers, rules about meeting and "approving" new lovers, rules about how many nights per week each person gets, the list is exhausting.

For me, this is really the discussion that most people are having on these boards, but it is almost never identified as such. The issue revolves around how a person views interacting with romantic partners and how much responsibility they take for their own feelings; and whether they live by "right or permission". Most advice I have seen is centered on "how to deal with your partner" when really, the only valuable advice is "how to manage your own emotions and make healthy decisions for yourself". My partners do as they will, I am not their boss, and this is the primary distinguishing characteristic between relationship styles; not the incidental factor of how many people you choose to love.
Point taken, but at the risk of derailing the thread, poly relationships are generally more focused on the idea of integrating the needs and wants of their members into the structure of the relationship. Monogamy is one way and one way only.
I am as direct as a T-Rex with 'roid rage and about as subtle. It isn't intended to cause upset, I just prefer to talk plain. There are plenty of other people here who do the nice, polite thing much better than I can. I'm what you'd call a "problem dinner guest."
Reply With Quote