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Old 01-23-2013, 06:25 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 6,033

Honey, I am sorry you are hurting.

But it comes back full circle time and again.
  • You are doing your best to communicate and articulate your wants, needs, and limits to your polyship people.
  • They are not willing to change behavior to meet your wants, needs and limits. Yet expect you to meet their wants, needs and limits.
  • Or change something YOU can change to see if you feel better:
    • You can accept this and stay and change your attitude about it.
    • You can choose to keep the relationship but change where you live so you don't have to be "too close for comfort" witnessing drama
    • You can choose to leave the relationship because it does not feed you
    • You can choose something else I have not though of yet or some mix and matchy things. You have OPTIONS. Exercise them.

They talk down to you using violent communication words like this:

Both, Sam and Glenn have referred to me as “demanding attention” and “complaining.” They tell me that I am “difficult to handle” and that I am “complex.”
rather than using non-violent communication words? Well, that's not kind.

Feedback on your situations? Could assess it honestly to yourself. I am not there. But if I were?

a) Sam’s jealousy with Glenn and I being together, and ever having conversations without her.
I would want to know... Is she planning on dealing with her jealousy in constructive ways to overcome it or not? Sounds like not to me given your past posts. Because if there's non-trust there, there is not 100% trust in this polyship.

b) Glenn’s distrust in both Sam and I and his accusatory ways of assuming I have “feelings” for friends of mine because they have things for me.
I would want to know... is he planning on dealing with his own jealousy there? Sounds like not to me given your past posts. Because if there's non-trust there, there is not 100% trust in this polyship.

c) My feeling left out. With them being married, I naturally feel left out because I was thrown into the mix, 2 months before they celebrated their 1 year marriage anniversary and 4 months before they celebrated the 3 year relationship.
You were thrown into the mix? Or you agreed to enter into relationship with them? Own your part of the elephant, hon.

The other half? Having been here in relationship with them for a time? If I found they do not provide me with emotionally safe space (ex: they read my venting posts and fuss at me at home in destructive trust breaking down communication ways rather than constructive trust building up communication ways. )

I would find it hard to trust them because they will not communicate with me in a way where I can feel heard and respected. But this is you here. Do you feel that way in those shoes?

Are they planning to provide you with your wants, needs, and limits at home or not? So far? Seems like NOT.

d) The “baby” issue. With my not being able to have the opportunity to have a baby, the emotions run high because Sam is pregnant, and I am having to cope with my miscarriage 5 months ago and not having a chance to have my own family.
That is your part of the elephant. You can have a baby WHEN you want to, with a partner who wants to share that with you or via donor sperm. Your body and your reproductive choices are yours.

You are choosing to give them up because you are choosing to stay in this relationship. It's your value call there.

If this is unsatisfactory and the relationship here cannot accommodate your desire for future children, then perhaps this is not the relationship you wish to stay in because of that limitation. Again, your call.

e) The issue of Sam’s infidelity and Glenn trying to work to fix his “marriage” which leaves me suffering. When they work on that, I am going to be jealous and I will get cranky. I can do it, and I will because I love them. But does it mean my emotions don’t matter or do I really have to “suck-up” and let them work it out and be emotionally numb.
While their mini relationship corner of the larger polyship world deservers TLC time too? So do the mini relationships that DO have you in them. You and your relationship to yourself. You + Glenn. You + Sam. You+Glenn+Sam. All of those.

To me it sounds like you love them, but are not receiving loving and kind behaviors from them.
  • You can choose to stay there in this condition.
  • Or choose to leave the situation as it now stands - you in relationship with them and cohabitating with them. Or you could decide to own a piece of the elephant and go change something, anything. See if it feels any better to you. Change both parts, one part, something else... pick things YOU can do.
  • The other option -- communication your needs to them and asking THEM for changes? That is not happening. You have tried repeatedly and have oodles of posts struggling with that. Only they can choose to change their behavior or not.

Could choose to stop beating your head on that brick. Could choose to accept the current reality. You are not going to squeeze any juice from that particular orange. Your wants, needs, and limits are not going to be met here. Def not right now. Not sure when, if ever.

Are you willing to still wait around to see? Or are you done? Only you can answer that kind of personal question. I do see that you suffer. I am so sorry.

But you are not making changes yourself to see if things improve. So... pick something ELSE to try to change.

f) Quality time being shot. They seem to think I am making it all about me. And I think I am TRYING to make it all about them. I am concerned for their marriage but as well I have to think of where I am going when it comes down to it. So, they both have needed to take care of me because I was in the E.R. twice last week so they were unable to get quality time, anniversary time, fixing the marriage time. Or even Glenn’s personal time that he says he needs. I don’t get much time with Glenn, or Sam, or both. With their work, and my schooling, we don’t get much time together. Truthfully, I see Jocelynn more than I see them.
Welcome to the reality of being in not a 3 people rship, but a 4 people, soon to be 5 people family. (The Jocelyn kid and the kid on the way pregnancy.)

The polymath for a 5 person unit using Serolynne's formula is

2^n - n - 1

(Mine is a bit more because I break it out deeper, but let's use Serolynne since you can read the article.)

Currently the family has 4 people.

2^4 - 4 - 1

gives you

(2*2*2*2) - 5


11 different tiers of relationship there to balance. He works, she works, you school. Call it 8 hrs each working somewhere. 8 hrs sleep. at least 3 hours to deal with shopping, cooking, washing up just the food, never mind the other house chores. It's probably more sucked up with chores.

Gives you each an iffy 5 hours a day to maintain the relationships in your polymath... AND the relatives and friends and other people.

Love may be infinite, but human resources are not. You are not happy in this shape with these resources.

Bring on baby family person? New formula.

2^5 - 5 - 1


(2*2*2*2*2) - 6

which gives you 26 relationship in very near future to have to balance now on 5 hours a day and resources that won't stretch to cover your needs NOW.

Everyone has a polysaturation point. You sound beyond yours.

So... again.

Your wants, needs are not met here. You are beyond your limits.

Could choose to change something, anything.

If it were me? I would break up and leave so as not to drown!

At the very least I would move out -- not have to deal with witnessing their marriage drama or the kid stuff now or newborn stuff to come. You don't like being treated like the automatic babysitter just because you live there. You are still grieving your miscarriage and not happy about the limit imposed -- like the price of admission in this polyship is you never having a child.

Remove some of the stressors by living elsewhere and date them from there -- then it tones the volume DOWN at least on the stress.

You are in a hard place where you have to really examine what you value most, and what you need to prioritize so that YOU and YOUR healths are being tended to.

They don't do it much.

YOU HAVE TO. You say it yourself:
I am concerned for their marriage but as well I have to think of where I am going when it comes down to it.
Hang in there. Please take care of you.


Last edited by GalaGirl; 01-23-2013 at 07:53 PM.
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