I mean this in a kind but firm way, ok? I am not criticizing or judging!
Why do you feel yucky? I think maybe because several times you went back to a relationship that was not feeding you in the past. That was not self respecting behavior and you are starting to see that/come to terms with that. Dealing with your being disappointed in the relationship, dealing in the break up feelings that come with ending a relationship, and dealing with takign stock of your own behaviors. You are in this "review space" frame of mind -- and it's a big thing to have to digest.
But don't take ownership of all the problems here being all YOU. Some yes, but some... this dude sounds messed up. Ack.
When you stated needs that were not being met, he flipped it on you like "you are not ok with polyamory" so it could be your
problem. Rather than him owning your feedback as "You are not ok with HIS BEHAVIOR right now." Has nothing to do with polyamory. Has everything to do with loving/kindness type behaviors being shown/not shown BY HIM. And him not wanting to own that or change it and you having to deal with that.
Never mind the wife laundry list. I wonder if she's being mistreated herself.
When you wanted to break up for your own best health...
Shortly thereafter, I told him I thought it would be best to break up. It was really hard for me. I really didn't want to, but the whole situation was just too crazy and chaotic.
He ignores your limit...
He said he thought we needed a "temporary separation" and we could come back together later. He also said he thought it'd be ok for us to still get together, fool around, or even have sex during this time. I didn't ask... those came out of his mouth unbidden.
And when he trespasses upon you, and shows up at your door...you do not enforce consequence by saying "No. I am not seeing you. I did not agree to that arrangement. Shoo." You do not leave the door closed -- but open the door and let him in.
Since then, little has changed aside from not having sex.
Again, not choosing YOU and your best healths. Not choosing self-respecting behavior here. You could choose to apply principle 1 to yourself -- your own inherent, worth, dignity and value. If he comes over, why bother to open the door? Remember you broke up with him?
I am not hearing you changing phones and emails, I am not hearing you telling him to cease and desist all contact.
So... he does not respect you and show you respectful behavior. You do not respect you and show you respectful behavior either. You say you want to leave but do not choose to behave like you have left. It's nice to want to be on good terms with an ex, but... This could be a case where you cannot be friends with this man and still be in good health yourself!
He's give an inch take a miler type? Well... you cannot force him to change his ways. But you can walk away from him and stop associating yourself with him. Put your own oxygen mask on, YOU look out for your healths and safety.
You have that responsibility to yourself.
Of course you are going to feel yucky. This is a lot to be dealing with.
To move it out of the yucky zone... You could choose to take better care of you and choose better behavior toward you.
I'm UU, and I don't behave this way. I am poly and I do not behave this way. This guy is behaving in abuser-y sounding ways to me. At the very least, in some seriously disrespectful ways. His wife is suicidal and his exGF is PTSD person and he does WHAT? Care for them appropriately? Respect boundaries/tiggers? Or futz about with his own wants? (And it is alarming he is a youth advisor too. Ugh.)
Please consider checking out the website
and esp clicking the image for the larger speak out loud list
in case anything else rings a bell. If it does, still leave but do it safely.
You see it is unhealthy. That is good. But I sincerely hope you are not being abused. I hope you are safe and can safely WALK AWAY from this guy.
Sometimes the leaving time is a dangerous times and since you have tried to break up and he's not hearing it... I worry about your well being. Some people don't like being given "no" for an answer and escalate things.
Be safe over there, ok? Can you talk to your minister for pastoral care or guidance?
Walk away for your own best healths and break up like you wanted to. But be careful doing it. He's red flagging me too. Sounds weird over there. I am sorry you are dealing with this.