I am poly. But I don't necessarily thrive as poly in any situation. I'm coming to discover that if certain conditions are met within my relationship(s), I can thrive as poly, but without certain conditions, I don't do so well as poly.
Does that make sense?
I'll try to explain better. I have realized that, perhaps slightly more than poly, I am a dominant submissive. Meaning that I am wanting to submit, but I have a hard time finding someone worthy of submitting to; and that I am usually dominant to most people I meet (at least that is my perception :P ), so to be dominated, since I am sort-of alpha female myself, I have to find someone VERY dominant, very alpha, yet also very loving and worthy. So, I mostly crave a master, but I am capable of switching, if need be. If I have a master, then my life seems to fall into place very easily. Master can then organize and ordain my polyships according to what he feels is best for him and us and me. As the name implies, I love easily and deeply and kinkily. Yet being a discerning introvert, I cannot, lest I stretch myself too thin. A master who knows me and my strengths and weaknesses, and who loves me to distraction (at times, at least), will be able to better keep the boundaries for me that I am simply, for whatever reason, unable to keep for myself; or can bring me fruits that I am simply not capable of providing for myself. I like being 'guided' in moderation in this regard to sexually loving others, with my master being my ultimate and utmost relationship. And him guiding any and all potential polyships.
If I do not have this.....structure, let's say.....then I sort-of fumble around haphazardly and vacillate between being clingy, self-righteous, or apathetic and even angry; I want to rail and rant and rave against poly and my very human feelings that arise with polyships. And a love/hate relationship with poly ensues.
When I have this structure, or even if I just contemplate this structure, everything falls into place and feels workable and lovely and fulfilling, as if this is really me, not just an inkling I have of myself that I cannot realize. Because I feel these imposed boundaries (by someone worthy enough to be called Master) as very strong and impenetrable, so I am able to not only accept them, but embrace them, and even really dig them.
I am wondering if those who are drawn to poly, but cannot make it work; or those who struggle much with it, but still desire it, just aren't finding the proper prescription of poly for them, whatever that may be.