Pushing onward in the face of adversity
It's been a while since I've posted. I've struggled with time management, but I'm doing a bit better with that lately.
Even though I have some friends who know of my poly arrangement, I have sometimes felt very isolated and alone in my pursuit of poly. Some of this stems from how badly one of my brothers reacted to it, some of it from seeing my husband struggle with it, and also just not feeling comfortable coming out to some friends and family about it. I successfully came out to my other brother about it and he handled it infinitely better and has been understanding. A lot of my general friends know. Still, there are people I want to know about it, and I feel very apprehensive about losing respect in their eyes. Yet not telling them makes me feel like I'm lying to their faces and that doesn't set well with me either.
I know if my husband were in a happier place with this, I'd be far more confident in talking about it with others. I just know they will sense his discomfort and see me in less than a pleasant light because of it. I still feel there is a chance for my husband Y to be in a better place at some point, but in the meantime time drags on and I feel like I'm putting up some kind of facade. Probably at some point in the next five months will be the moment of truth for what my husband feels he can handle, and I'm hoping that regardless of the living arrangement that poly is still an option. I'm open to the idea of E not living with us if it makes Y happier, and I can still visit E.
I feel that I am trying to handle this with all parties' feelings in consideration, but I still feel like I'm just not that great of a person for wanting to be with two people. I struggled with this before poly and still do. I feel a lot of guilt still. Yet more than ever, I just want the three of us to live in some sort of harmony for a long time to come.
I'm having a hard time reconciling this with the philosophy of monogamy that I grew up with, and that I see prevalent in society. A little voice inside me tells me that I'm being harmful somehow with this.
I also feel guilty for choosing a secondary that frankly has difficulty with being well received by others. I think this is contributing to my husband's issues with being okay with this arrangement. E has rubbed Y's family the wrong way just by being himself and also being obviously enamored with me at the Christmas party we went to over a year ago. I'm concerned that if they knew of the poly they would see me in an even lesser light because of me choosing E, a person that they saw as possibly wanting to take me away from Y. I see the better side of him, but good luck on me explaining that to them.
I even wonder if I overplay E's better qualities because of the NRE bit, but I'm hoping the better parts of him will prevail in the long run. I guess time will tell.
I don't know. I wish I had been more able to visit this forum the last few months, because I feel less alone when I do. If I'm doing something ultimately harmful to the people I care about I want the clarity of mind to see that for what it is, and not have my insecurities of being an immoral being clouding my judgment. More than anything I want everyone to be in a happier place with me, despite my feelings for two people.
Anyhow, the purpose of all that, besides to vent, is to ask: have any of you struggled with these kinds of concerns, and if so, how did you deal with them?
Me: K, female, 27. Married to Y for over 4 yrs (male, monogamous, 33). Opened relationship to E (male, monogamous, 27) in a relationship vee.