Selfish love...how can I explain?
I want to try and accurately relate how my parent's love and marriage was selfish.Explaining how is the trouble. I see their relationship as so good, yet to the detriment of every other relationship outside of their marriage. I only know what I know.
I know their marriage is selfish because every day my father came home from work he would first greet and kiss my mother. Even if if I tried to wait right inside the door for him, just as a little kid, their daily reunion was like clockwork. He would always walk up to my mother, big smile on his face, say "Hi honey", plant a kiss on her, and give a small hug because he was still holding his breifcase. Then he would greet/acknowledge his 2 kids and go upstairs to change from work.
My father always came home for dinner. Dinner would be served, I made my own plate and then went to my room to eat alone. My little brother ate alone in the room next to the kitchen. Dinner was for my parents. They had to discuss their days, and make any plans for tomorrow. They would hold hands and kiss at the end of dinner. Some of my earliest memories are when my little brother was still in a high-chair and he had to be fed. I was now able to feed myself, so I was taken out of the kitchen and had to eat alone. It was clear to me dinner was for my parents. I would try to watch them be together, they were at their happiest together, but I would be shooed away...my watching being a distraction to their together time.
I know that on the weekends, no kids in school, my dad was off of work, mom and dad have breakfast together. Kids have to find their own breakfast because the mornings on the weekend are for mom and dad. Every meal for mom and dad...only on special holidays did we ever eat together. It is these things that every day the kids have to occupy themselves because mom and dad need their time together. Only twice while I lived with my parents did we ever have extended family over (except my older sister, but that's nuclear family). While I lived with my parents never did I see them have friends over, my parents had no friends. No play dates with other parents and kids. No one was allowed over. Except for my birthday I never had a friend over (not that I had friends).
Everything has about them, their marriage, each other. I admire their commitment to keep their marriage a priority, to keep their love so alive and happy. But I don't know why they did it as cost of every other connection they had in life. I even asked once, my mother wasn't offended, she admitted what I said was true, but she didn't have an answer.
Your task is to acknowledge to yourself and others that every part of you has a right to exist.