Originally Posted by jenae
Bottom line is that I crave deep discussion and connectedness more than he does. Maybe this is just his nature and my nature (regardless of how much contact we respectively have with others). I sometimes think meeting someone for coffee or even just a correspondence with someone who is in a similar boat might help meet my needs. I suppose I could try to fill the need with more friends, but my feeling at the moment is that the deeper nature of relationship relating is more compelling. (I tend to "rescue" my friends with extreme, non-confrontational politeness, and feel safer and freer to be honest with my romantic partners.)
I don't know if I really have much to say, but my gf is just now "negotiating" with someone she's been talking to and getting closer and closer to and may very well be getting into a deep soul-love relationship with a man. He is abstinent due to his strong buddhist beliefs, and so only wants a non-sexual relationship. Funny thing is that while he has been abstinent for 10 years, he's still being hesitant because she is one of the few people who tests his abstinent resolve because he is very attracted to her, but she would have no trouble being abstinent herself, as she is mostly a lesbian- so there may be problems with this. Anyway, I really hope this works out for her because it sounds just perfect for her! I also wish I could actually meet someone myself, but I can't really push that and I can't figure out how to meet people!
Anyway, I sound more like your husband and my gf sounds more like you. I used to get freaked out because I just don't make those kinds of connections and other exes in the past complained about my lack of connection on an artistic, spiritual, intellectual or what have you level. I thought I finally found someone who didn't care about that, finally (I kept f-ing dating poets! I'm a scientist dammit!). Turns out she DID care about it but wasn't about to complain about it because we have so many other bonds. So, polyamory is really kinda freeing to me for once, because she doesn't have to complain about this inability of mine and can just seek someone else. I keep trying to explain this to some of my friends but they are still being kind of not...accepting/understanding. She loves me and just needs me to be the simple, uncomplicated lover, which is what I am when I'm not having insecurity issues over what I think of as my "shallowness" (as well as getting used to the idea that she really likes her alone time! like a lot! I'm not used to seeing someone I'm dating so little) but recently I've really come to accept that she isn't going to leave me over this (like the others...) because