So this afternoon my wife and I spent the most connected and emotionally intimate time together in years. When I asked what had brought this on, she said that she had seen her new friend and seeing him was reminding her to appreciate me, at which point I got upset and felt resentful that she could only be so connected to me after seeing another man.
Here's a version of plotchik's wheel.
You imagine it cut out and folded so the "petals" touch. It ends up something like an ice-cream cone ish shape. As things increase in "volume" the move on up. (Hope that makes sense... kinda hard to describe.)
Since "resentment" sounds like "annoyance" could check the increasing volume on that track or "petal":
- annoyance --> anger --> rage.
And then the "neighbor" emotions.
- interest --> anticipation --> vigilance
- boredom --> disgust --> loathing.
The in between circle things are what happens if two paths "cross." So could consider those too.
Are you feeling any of those items? If so, could consider what is causing that feeling to appear. Any behavior or yours? Hers? The BF?
Given that you have not fully recovered trust, this resentment thing could be stemming from that also. You could feel resentful because you are not fully trusting of her in polyshipping or fully trusting of her with your emotional safety in general given your shared past history.
Or it could be stemming from the desire to be SEEN in your own right. Like "can't I be considered, appreciated, admired, valued all by myself? Why am I only appearing to be valued when compared to the other guy? What am I? Chopped liver?"
You could tell her how you feel, and seek reassurance that you ARE valued all by yourself. See if that helps alleviate the resentment, and start building more trust in her -- that she will treat you well and your emotional safety better.
Sooner or later, if trust building is the shared goal, you have to take the risk of her dinging you -- just to find out that she is NOT going to ding you. Then trust can come. Like give her the opportunity to show you different. If you don't risk it to give her the chance to show you how she's changed, she can do all she can but nothing moves it forward. You keep it stuck at this square.
YKWIM? Both of you have to put something here to move it along to the next square.
and it's lies between