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Old 01-22-2013, 08:23 PM
Hannahfluke Hannahfluke is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 113

I wanted to comment on the thing you said about the bag of "stuff" you gave back. You said if we looked into the bag it'd look like the most romantic date ever. There's a huge, huge, huge difference between being romantic and being loving.

My boyfriend and my husband aren't terribly romantic. We don't do candlelight dinners very often. I've gotten one really expensive jewelry gift from my husband (besides replacing my really cheap wedding set with a nicer one) in the 21 years we've been married (and that was this past year). My boyfriend, in the 15 or so months we've been dating, has done one romantic dinner for me (he cooked dinner for me last Valentine's Day, planning everything and cooking it, even though we were at my house). I had to tell him, around our first anniversary, that I'd really like it if he got me a present, even if it was just a set of earrings from Target (he picked up beer he knew I'd like and dropped it at my house on his way to visit his parents in a different state for the first Christmas we were together and didn't get me a birthday gift at all). He did buy me a couple presents for Christmas but I think that's because I went out of my way making sure to wear the necklace he got me for our anniversary A LOT and making sure he knew I loved it. My boyfriend hasn't ever bought me flowers. My husband has bought me flowers maybe 3 or 4 times in the last year (truthfully, I can only think of two, one of which was because we'd bought cool underwater LED lights for a party we were hosting and needed something else to put in the vases also ).

But I know that both of them care about me and love me and want me to be happy. My husband does things that make me feel loved all the time, from rubbing my shoulders when they hurt to staying home with me when I'm having a hard time, even though I know he'd rather be with his girlfriend since she's free (she has a really busy schedule). My boyfriend does things like come over to my house after a long day at school (he's a nontraditional college student) to fix my son's car for me, since I had an unexpected interview the next day and so my son couldn't use my car to get to college like he'd planned on. My boyfriend recently moved (a week ago) and yesterday told me "I don't know if you've noticed, but I left the left side of the closet for you to use" (it's a studio apartment and only has one closet). The fact that he's willing to give up some of his little storage space so that I can leave some stuff at his place instead of carting everything back and forth the 2 or 3 nights a week I sleep over there makes me feel incredibly loved.

The fact that this guy is really romantic doesn't over-ride the fact that he has not acted very loving to you. Perhaps you feel like a monster because our society has all these movies and books and other cultural items that tell us that being romantic means that they are being loving and you feel like you are rejecting love because he's so romantic. But the fact of the matter is that he's not being loving most of the time, it sounds like, despite the fact he is being romantic. His romantic gestures sound pretty hallow to me. I'd rather have my boyfriend who is willing to stand out in the cold helping my son fix his car (my husband hates car repairs) than someone who buys me flowers but doesn't support and help me.

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