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Old 01-22-2013, 05:36 PM
ThatGirlInGray ThatGirlInGray is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Northern Cali
Posts: 552

Marcus, I don't know what post you read, because there are SEVERAL Red Flags here:

Originally Posted by Valentine View Post
Just a few months into our relationship, he started having sex with someone he met over the internet and didn't tell me except by accident when he was yelling to me about how awful his wife was.
HUGE flag.

Every time I wanted something in the relationship, his wife vetoed it. If she changed her mind, months to years later, I was expected to be overjoyed... not irritated because I'd given up on that and wanted something different (which wasn't ok).
Perhaps not a red flag, but definitely a yellow one that needs to be resolved, which doesn't sound likely as all parties would have to be willing to work together on a solution.

I frequently had to step in and provide emotional care and support to his wife, sometimes while he was with other women and I needed care myself.

I got back together with him trying to proove I didn't have ptsd and that the break-up wasn't about my previous relationship history. Then, I had a psychotic break because I wasn't admitting when I did have problems and it just built up until I snapped (1 week with no food or sleep sent me right to the nutter house), and he broke up with me.
Perhaps not a Flag in the usual sense, as he wasn't causing this, but still QUITE bad. Regardless of the Who and Why, this relationship was obviously toxic for the OP.
He spent several months of our relationship talking about all his relationship problems with his wife and how much and why he liked the women over the internet (one who has five partners who have other partners, and one who has that plus she's only 20 and he's 37) he has recently been seeing even though I told him I did not like it and didn't want to continue a relationship with him if he continued seeing them.
Flag! So much disrespect of your feelings!

He told me he is not certain our relationship is good enough or worth closing off the possibility of having other relationships.
"I don't want to close off other relationship possibilities." is a fair statement and could be considered the heart of being poly. But telling you your relationship "isn't good enough"?? That's just being a jerk. Run, don't walk. You don't need that crap.
He has all sorts of kinky sex with other partners, but won't have sex with me. He will, however, bring over food, fancy desserts, and a movie to watch while cuddling up in my bed. He'll make out with me and tell me he wants to have sex with me, in explicit detail. He won't do it, though... I think he is concerned about ptsd... I think he doesn't trust me to be better, to set boundaries that won't trigger me, or maybe he just doesn't think it'd be fun enough. But it sucks to be told, "I have sex with them and not you because it doesn't fuck them up, and it fucks you up."
Again, maybe not a red flag, but a yellow one. IMO if he's honestly worried about your PTSD then he needs to be doing a lot of work to learn appropriate ways to deal with it, not just cut off sex.

He tells me he is in love with me and wants to be with me. I asked him on a date, but he said he wasn't sure.

It makes sense to regret flipping out. It wasn't a conscious choice on your part. However, I think your reaction was understandable and hopefully you are working on forgiving yourself.
I always had to prove something. That I was ok with not being given affection when his wife was around. That I was ok with him having sex with strangers. That I was ok with him telling me about his fantasies and then acting them out with other people. That when we had sex, I never got triggered. That I didn't need care. That I could, effectively, be their marriage therapist.
Flag, flag, flag, flag, flag, flag, FLAG! To be clear, the flags aren't because he wouldn't give affection when his wife was around or because he wanted sex with strangers. The flags are because it was all about what HE wanted and you were pressured to go along with things you weren't really okay with, in the name of "proving" you were okay with poly.

I just wanted to be with him... because I liked him. Because he's UU (liberal), good with kids, good with animals, geeky, kinky, sexy, cuddly, patient, and well-meaning. I feel like a horrible person for "un-friending" him (I did that too on FB... god, I feel so petty) and returning his gifts.
There will be other people to like. There are other guys who have the qualities you list. Again, it makes sense to feel a little bad about HOW you ended things, but I think it was good that you did. And perhaps you feel some guilt for finally putting your own needs first, since you're not used to it, but you are NOT a monster.
Pan Female, Hinge in a V between my mono (straight) husband, Monochrome and my poly (pan) partner, ThatGuyInBlack

Last edited by ThatGirlInGray; 01-22-2013 at 05:38 PM. Reason: clarifying
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