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Old 01-21-2013, 11:34 PM
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StudentofLife StudentofLife is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 117
Default In the beginning.....was confusion.

Being entirely new to this, it's with some trepidation that I start this blog. I have so many questions, and so little insight. I have so much to learn, and no real life guides to turn to. For me, the first step has always been to read, read, read, and try to educate myself as best I can from the resources available. Then, when I feel I have the ability to ask a question, (preferably not one that has already been asked and answered a million times before ) I can venture out.
The first problem I see is simply one of semantics. It appears that for someone new, the chances of putting a foot wrong by not expressing clearly and correctly what they are asking can lead to a veritable shitstorm of confusion, possibly the leaving the newcomer ashamed, wigged out, and wishing they had thought to put on a helmet before posting. Maybe one of those with a faceguard.

While looking for information on triads, I found this post by Zylya:
(slightly trimmed)

“The second set, which applies to me personally, is the group of people who simply prefer triads to other relationship configurations. For me, saying I'm looking for someone to join our relationship shouldn't hold any implications of unicorn-hunting, because that's not how I view relationships, but I will admit it is probably a lazy use of language on my part. The thing for me is that saying "I'm looking for someone to join us" is far simpler than saying "I hope to find another person that we're both interested in, to some degree, who is also into us, to some degree, that we could form a whole cluster of mutually enjoyable and beneficial romantic and sexual relationships, together with no prejudice based on previous relationship status and with no unrealistic expectations other than to be totally honest with each other and let things develop naturally."

If I had to type that out every time, I'd get arthritis in my wrists in no time. "to join us" is just a short-hand way of saying that for me. If you think about, any relationship is a joining of two people, it's just that saying you're looking for someone to join me/us is simply from my perspective. It doesn't mean that I think the other person doesn't have a perspective, it's just a way of phrasing it.

To me, it seems like a lot of people say something without carefully considering their words, and so people assume things that weren't necessarily intended, and could've been avoided with a better use of language.”

EEEEEEEK! Arthritis seems to be the least of the pain involved with having to type that repeatedly, and yet failure to clarify will likely lead to the Land of Nothing Good. It seems to me a lot of people arrive here in mid-crisis, having experienced some kind of upheaval in their relationships and being thrust into the idea of “more than two” without any prep time. Others appear to have come voluntarily, but without any long periods of reflection on what the consequences to their lives will really be. For my partner and I, there has already been over a year of casual discussions, and now the agreement that at least another year should be spent examining the issue in detail before making any moves forward in terms of real life people. Are we too cautious? It seems that no matter how much preparation goes into this, unintended issues will arise. The best we can do is expect the unexpected. Is it worth it? Not something we will know until we try, I suppose. But to not try will have consequences also. For myself, leaving things as they are means ignoring who I really am, and that has become unacceptable to me. For my partner, it means leaving some truly serious questions unanswered. For both of us, my fear is that failing to address these issues now will lead to regret later, when we are both too old and withered and prune-like to be able to do anything about it.
Am I morbid for worrying about the regrets I’ll have on my death bed? Heh. Probably.
Then again, I could get hit by a bus tomorrow. Especially if The Pidge is the one driving the bus!!
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