however he is approaching it from a biblical morality (out of conditioning) and I told him that if he only tries to understand it from that viewpoint then we are at an impasse as there is no room for logic or flexibility when the bible is involved.
Yes, I could tell you are frustrated with your metamour. Hang in there. BREATHE.
Note you can flip that statement to apply to you though:
"If you only try to understand it from that viewpoint, we are at an impasse as there is no room for logic or flexibility when the Bible is not consulted for guidance."
It's like you speak Spanish and he speaks Italian. You can fuss at him for not speaking Spanish, or he can fuss at you because you don't speak Italian. Or you can both choose to step back and trying to see if going to the Latin will aid you any. Try to find common ground, common language.
When you dismiss the tools he has to work with as illogical or inflexible (Bible among them), how does this help feed his secure bucket? Or show that you are a compassionate, trustworthy person? Or does it cause him anxiety in making him wonder if you will also dismiss his feelings and limits and requests too? If your goal is to get him to settle down fastest -- how does your behavior help you achieve your goal?
The Bible says a lot of things, and there's a lot of different kinds of relationshipping within the stories of the Bible. But it doesn't matter -- this is not Bible studies.
This is a relationship model he has chosen to be in.
He doesn't have
to try to understand it if he wasn't in it. But in having chosen his behavior? To be in it? Now it is on him to do the work required. You guys could sit to talk about your expectations, fears, and how you will/will not support each other in "learning the new normal."
If he has chosen to go where his heart is not in? From a place of fear or insecure or whatever? He has not chosen self-respecting behavior for himself.
That you choose to be in relationship with him as your metamour? That's on you then -- this is the price of admission to date her. She comes with a metamour of this color that you must learn to deal with. Can you be in relationship with someone who does not respect themselves? Does he plan to work on this?
That she chooses to date with a husband of this color? That's on her then -- that's the price of admission to date you. She must learn to deal with him.
And him? He chooses to be in polyship with you both? Then he must learn to deal with himself.
Going somewhere you really do not want to go because you are afraid of "losing your wife" is not self-respecting behavior because it goes against his belief system. Since self-respecting behavior is what feeds the self-esteem bucket, he's feeding his own "insecure bucket" by choosing behavior like that. Does he see this?
Being a leaf blown about by the wind in his life -- being an effect
in his life -- that leads to feeling helpless and again -- feeds the insecure bucket. That "nothing" in his life is within his control.
That's not being a cause
in life -- being the captain of his own ship. Captain may choose to do a lot of things -- put the sail up to catch the wind, take the sail down, make good decisions, make poor judgement calls -- but they own their choices. That feeds the secure bucket -- because whatever happened? Alright. There I chose to go, I choose this for myself, I am in charge of ME and my well being. "I can handle it... whatever IT is. I will find a way. " That's a whole other kind of attitude -- one that DOES feed the "secure bucket" inside.
I suppose you could ask him if he is a leaf or a captain. There his Bible background/beliefs may or may not be a comfort to him as he weathers this new part of his life and his decision to participate in it.
There are many stories in the Bible about endurance and dealing with people. Hello, Mary -- pregnant teen woman having a kid out of wedlock and dealing with people! Hello, Noah! Dealing with people while he builds his crazy ark, then dealing with crazy flood!
I don't know where he's at in his faith development process on the Fowler chart
, but if polyshipping with you and her also includes a stage change for him -- well, that's on you too. Do you want to date her and deal with a metamour who is experiencing the stage 3 to 4 faith development stage? Or 4 to 5? Or whatever leap he's doing in his spiritual health?
It could be like dealing with a metamour with diabetes (physical health thing) or a person with memory problems (mental health thing) or grieving (emotional health). You've got a dude with a spiritual health thing happening.
Could take your poly people as they are. That is the price of admission here right now.
What do you want to DO about it? What sort of feedback do you most need? Like how to endure yourself in this? Or how to help her support him? Or.... what's YOUR need right now? Since you want to be in relationship with her under current conditions?