Its been a down slide from heightened anxiety, stress, hurt and confusion since I last wrote. I have been tending to myself these days and find myself mostly in bed watching shows and avoiding everything. Its been heavenly actually. I have no burlesque shows coming up, minimal social engagements and quit the choir. I have seen Derby and Brad apart from PN and Mono really. Work people while at work... that's it. The occasional poly function that I host.... nothing else has drawn me out into the world.
So it seems that the "trying it out" for Mono is over for now. It doesn't seem to of worked out to date people secretly without my consent. He says its too much work... I don't know if he still would be carrying on seeing the other women if they had either been more interesting or hadn't decided they were interested in him. I am trying to believe that he is now working on other areas of his life and the moment of need for control is over. He certainly seems to be interested in other things now that he has his time free from work. Lots of time to ride, read, watch shows and do as he pleases. Lots of time to see other women too, but it seems to be not as much of an interest. Of course I have no idea for sure. Just his word on it. That doesn't mean much really these days.
I have been doing a shit load of work on myself lately. Including reading Tara Brach's book "Radical Acceptance" (thanks for the reminder River) and Brene Brown's book "The Gifts of Imperfection." Mono is reading that one too. Both have been really good to read together and have helped. I'm actually reading! I have been to a seminar that helped and done rituals, journaling, and spent a great deal of time allowing myself time to think. All has lead to one or two things; living in the moment is important... not taking the past into the future is part of that and its important for me to ground myself in my own life and concentrate on what I want out of life before anyone else has a say.
How my new take on life with effect my relationships remains to be seen. I used to be the one that made the plans and kept up with everyone so that we could be together. I am not doing that. I don't know what happens when I don't. It should be interesting. It seems that everyone is doing their own thing and moving on to make plans without me. Lots of activity that I know nothing about and lots of socializing that doesn't involve me. At first I was a bit scared about this and sad, but I really don't feel anything anymore now. More than ever I am fine with what others do and plan without me. Sure, I like to know so that I feel connected and that I am important enough to them that they WANT to tell me what goes on in their lives, but I am not attached to it like before. I find it much easier to shrug it off and find my own things to do and work towards. It will all work out.
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