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Old 01-21-2013, 04:02 AM
WhatHappened WhatHappened is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 915

First--paragraph breaks would make it much easier for people to read and thus offer help.

Originally Posted by graviton View Post
(I really need to have her romantically in my life).
No, you don't. You want her very, very badly. I believe we cause ourselves a lot of trouble by telling ourselves we 'need' things that we don't. It frees us, so to speak, from thinking it through, weighing how our behavior will affect everyone involved, and long term consequences; and perhaps make hard choices that involve sacrificing our own desires.

Originally Posted by graviton View Post
This other woman is married also a man who is very much a push over and will do anything (it seems) to make her happy. He is one of the nicest guys I know.
he agreed to us dating...and told me to keep things above the belt. However he also told me he was very sad and nervous about the whole thing but did not want to hurt his wife. I told him that if he wasn't OK with us he just needed to lay down the law and tell her no. He doesn't appear comfortable doing that. As a result he is now always glum and weird and nervous and paranoid about us even though we have been on our best behavior and completely open and honest with him.....However he is such a damper on us and is so damned indecisive its driving me nuts and making it very hard for us to enjoy what we have. I fully expected him to tell me to fuck off or just give me the thumbs up, but this wishy washy stuff is infuriating to me.
Does he know that you regard him as a push over, indecisive, and wishy-washy? How would he feel about you dating his wife and being physical with her if he knew you had such a negative opinion of him?

I read this as you asked a man for permission to screw his wife, he's agreed to it because he gives his wife anything she wants (and probably fears losing her or an underhanded affair if he doesn't agree), and now you're criticizing him for 'being a damper.' You not only want to screw his wife, you want him to shut up about his feelings about this so he doesn't infringe on your fun.

What can you do? As others have said, slow down, give him time to adjust to this major change in everything he likely agreed to and was promised at his wedding with this woman, and maybe show a little appreciation that he's willing to consider it at all.

Originally Posted by graviton View Post
I have a lot of guilt.
Originally Posted by graviton View Post
Has anyone dealt with this? What do you do?
I don't do things that leave me feeling guilty. Sometimes we feel guilt when we shouldn't, but sometimes guilt is legitimate. Sort it out. You know this man is hurting. Decide if you want to continue on a path that is hurting a man you say is one of the nicest guys you know.

Yes, I have dealt with having powerful feelings for another man while I was married and what I did, personally, was consider how that would affect my then-husband, and not pursue it because it would have hurt him.
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