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Old 01-21-2013, 03:43 AM
WhatHappened WhatHappened is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 923

Originally Posted by graviton View Post
I'm in the same situation ice however I'm the guy who caused the surprise nonmonogamy. I feel bad for my lovers husband and feel selfish but I think everything about love is selfish its just a matter of who is being selfish and in what capacity. When something like this happens you need to make a tough decision and lie in the bed you made for yourself.
Except he didn't exactly make this bed. This bed was flipped over while he was sleeping and tossed on him!

I personally think selfish is the antithesis of love. I cannot fathom hurting the one I love, feeling guilt and selfishness over it, knowing the one I love hurts, and dismissing it and justifying it with, "Oh, well, all love is selfish."

Originally Posted by graviton View Post
a. deny your spouse a second lover under threat of divorce and separation, give her the ultimatum and make her choose, this will still cause resentment for both of you. Hers because she is being denied, yours because she had the nerve to bring it into your marriage. Not to mention the paranoia this will create because you can never be sure if she just decides to have an affair instead.
b. Allow the second lover for her happiness, and attempt to come to grips with it and learn from it. This creates resentment only for you but maybe you will learn to lose that resentment.
These choices feel like a bit of blame the victim to me. Perhaps she could learn to lose her resentment, too. Perhaps she could forgo the lover for his happiness. Why would it be on the one who had the tables turned on him to agree to the mid-stream change in rules?

It is a perfectly legitimate choice to not accept a marriage that includes your spouse having lovers.
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