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Old 01-20-2013, 06:50 PM
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Valentine Valentine is offline
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Join Date: Dec 2011
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Default Why do I feel like a monster?

I've been struggling with a relationship for two years. Here's the Cliffnotes:

I met a couple at my church, and we hit it off as friends. The husband was poly and we started a relationship. I sat down with them, and the agreements his wife wanted were, "Act like friends, not lovers, when we're together or in public, practice safe sex."

Just a few months into our relationship, he started having sex with someone he met over the internet and didn't tell me except by accident when he was yelling to me about how awful his wife was.

Every time I wanted something in the relationship, his wife vetoed it. If she changed her mind, months to years later, I was expected to be overjoyed... not irritated because I'd given up on that and wanted something different (which wasn't ok).

I frequently had to step in and provide emotional care and support to his wife, sometimes while he was with other women and I needed care myself.

I broke up with him once because of his wife. I got back together with him trying to proove I didn't have ptsd and that the break-up wasn't about my previous relationship history. Then, I had a psychotic break because I wasn't admitting when I did have problems and it just built up until I snapped (1 week with no food or sleep sent me right to the nutter house), and he broke up with me. We tried to stay friends. He dated some people. His wife didn't seem much better. I got stable and got a job I really wanted (I work for Planned Parenthood). We got back together (stupid, stupid, stupid me).

He spent several months of our relationship talking about all his relationship problems with his wife and how much and why he liked the women over the internet (one who has five partners who have other partners, and one who has that plus she's only 20 and he's 37) he has recently been seeing even though I told him I did not like it and didn't want to continue a relationship with him if he continued seeing them.

He told me he is not certain our relationship is good enough or worth closing off the possibility of having other relationships.

He has all sorts of kinky sex with other partners, but won't have sex with me. He will, however, bring over food, fancy desserts, and a movie to watch while cuddling up in my bed. He'll make out with me and tell me he wants to have sex with me, in explicit detail. He won't do it, though... I think he is concerned about ptsd... I think he doesn't trust me to be better, to set boundaries that won't trigger me, or maybe he just doesn't think it'd be fun enough. But it sucks to be told, "I have sex with them and not you because it doesn't fuck them up, and it fucks you up."

He tells me he is in love with me and wants to be with me. I asked him on a date, but he said he wasn't sure.

The other day, I saw he had invited one of his new partners to an outing he has invited me and also our church youth group to (he and I are advisors). I'd told him I did not want to meet these women. I flipped. I actually got angry and showed it. I texted him and told him I never want to see him again and I don't want to be his friend. I packed up the presents he had given me (right down to the roses he gave me on our first date, which I had dried and saved) and put them in a bag. I went to his house and returned them. I felt and still feel awful. I told him I was sorry, and he said he is too.

I am so, so sad. I wanted this to work so badly. I hated being told that when I was upset, it was because "You are (meaning I am) not ok with polyamory." I always had to prove something. That I was ok with not being given affection when his wife was around. That I was ok with him having sex with strangers. That I was ok with him telling me about his fantasies and then acting them out with other people. That when we had sex, I never got triggered. That I didn't need care. That I could, effectively, be their marriage therapist.

I just wanted to be with him... because I liked him. Because he's UU (liberal), good with kids, good with animals, geeky, kinky, sexy, cuddly, patient, and well-meaning. I feel like a horrible person for "un-friending" him (I did that too on FB... god, I feel so petty) and returning his gifts. If you looked in the bag, it would look like everything needed for an ultra-romantic, fancy date.

I am so, so sad. I have talked with friends and family about this... but I think I have exhausted them on the subject. Part of me still wishes this could work, but I am pretty sure there is nothing I can do now. I don't have anything left to give or prove.

I don't know what I want here... feedback is welcome. Maybe someone could tell me why I feel like a monster?
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