So, here I am at the rave show. This club is really big, three floors. I've tucked myself away in a corner with couches on the second floor. Empty carton of fries and mostly-drunk screwdriver on the low metal table in front of me. Kids littered about around me, long hair, tye dye, fluorescent accessories.
I had a quiet day, productive. I made soup for dinner for me and my roommates and some friends of theirs who were over. I don't usually make soup, but I learned how. Then Gia messaged me, she had a friend who was going to this show and had an extra ticket, would I like to go? Would she be going, I asked? No, Eric had been watching Bee all day, so she couldn't just leave. That confirmed my supposition about her date with Dex. I felt a little weird, calm and freaked out all at once. At peace, and sad/scared simultaneously... does she want me, does she want me, does she want me. Why should it matter so much if she wants me. The question intrusive, separate from the reality of my calm heartbeat, calm hands. I said I'd love to go the show, worked out the details with her friend. I thought it'd be good to get out of the house.
Once I was here, I wondered if I'd made a mistake. Feeling misanthropic and utterly uninterested in the music. Well, it'd been worth a try. I'm not unhappy to be here, just too much in my own head, even though I'm not actually thinking much that's coherent at all. Typing this out on my smartphone instead of thinking.
Davis spent the night last night. Good to have his warm presence at my side, though I felt distracted. He left in the morning. This evening he called, said he'd thought maybe I'd call him, had been surprised when I hadn't. I said "you could have called me if you'd wanted to hang out." So many half-formed, unanswered questions floating about -- what is love, what is commitment, what do we owe each other, what are we doing here, what should come next.
I think I'm going to go home. Lie in bed, listen to music I like better than the music here. Rest.
Me, 30ish bi female, been doing solo poly for roughly 5 years. Gia, Clay, and Pike, my partners. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler.