My Own Deep Rooted Problems
Well, Glenn has thankfully deciced to stay. It was a big decision for him to stay and a big decision for us to want him to remain. We love him and gratefully he made a great decision. And that isn't the problem, it seems for once our relationship isn't on the rocks and we are happy. I am happy but my dreams are haunting me. My nightmares shake me into an inevitable reality. It's been one year since my mistake with Derek, the day my unprotected sex cuased me a pregnancy. It's been one year and I don't have my daughter. One year and all I carry with me is misery and an empty feeling, not a 3 month old baby that is suckling at a bottle, or wailing. I don't have tired eyes or a diaper bag on my shoulder. I am not sleep deprived or complaining about my daughter being the cause of my lack of sleep and my messy life. My life isn't a hassle, I don't have any of what I didn't want in the beginning. In the end before I lost my daughter, I wanted her. Her little kicks and nudges, the numerous times her scares landed me in the hospital. Or the way her step-daddy laid his head on my belly just to feel her kick his face. She loved me, I know she did. She loved him too. And ultimately Derek stayed because of the fact that she existed, his or not. He may have never loved anyone, but by God did he love her. He called Scarlet his little nudger. He loved her, and he still does, a part of him still really loves her. Of all the girls in his life, he loved my daughter as his own. He loved her before she was even born. He loved my daughter, my precious little girl, and I loved him because he loved her. I miss my little girl. I will always remember her. She isn't here, and I may have never met her or held her, or felt her breath, or heard a single cry, but I love her still. And I always will, She will always be apart of me.
My Dear Scarlet Chelsea,
I miss you darling and I always will. No matter where you are, I will always be your mother. I love you angel
Love, Mommy <3