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Old 01-19-2013, 12:54 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Pennsyl-tucky
Posts: 1,049
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Quote:
Originally Posted by RockerChick View Post
... This is the first forum I've ever been on where my actual questions were answered. What a concept!
I'm so glad that this forum could provide this for you! This is actually what attracted me here in the first place...real people answering real questions from a personal standpoint.

Quote:
Originally Posted by RockerChick View Post
When thinking about this "alone time" issue, I kept deferring to Danny (hubby) because I couldn't justify (yeah, I know) why spending time with Michael would be a Good Thing. Or maybe not even "justify," but to simply explain it! I had NO idea why I wanted this!
I think (and this is just my opinion) that it is NOT at all unusual for an established partner to want to "micromanage" new relationships. He cares about you! He wants to protect you from harm! But, ultimately, this is where trust and communication come into play...your relationships with your boyfriend is NOT just an extension of your relationship with your husband, it is a relationship in its own right. So, you knew that this might be a "good thing" but didn't know how to articulate it? Hopefully, we have provided you with some tools for ths.

Quote:
Originally Posted by RockerChick View Post
So, many of you have used something similar to the term "nurturance," and that the one-on-one dynamic is needed for that. I can see that, if for nothing other than the simple process of getting to know one another better. And I admit that it happens differently when there are only two people in the room than when there are more. I just didn't know how to make it easier for Danny.
Excellent! You see what we are saying. Maybe it would help if your husband could see that he is NOT responsible for your relationship with your boyfriend - it should be allowed to thrive or fail on its OWN merits. (My husband, for some reason, is exceptionally good at this - NO IDEA how he figured this out.)

Quote:
Originally Posted by RockerChick View Post
Both of us (Danny and I) believe that feelings of jealousy and insecurity are to be dealt with and worked through. We believe these feelings are a product of dysfunctional social programming that teaches us that love has to be contained and shared only with one person for the rest of your life.
This is an excellent place to be coming from. Now extend that a little further(as an exercise)...not all relationships are going to "work" - which doesn't meant that either person is "bad" or "wrong" - not all relationships fail because of jealousy and insecurity...so by guarding against that you are NOT guaranteeing that the relationship will succeed.

Quote:
Originally Posted by RockerChick View Post
We really do believe that being "poly" is an "advanced" or "awakened" way to love, but getting there can sometimes be painful, depending upon the baggage we've been given. I'm doing my best to tread lightly.
We all have baggage, exploring new ideas can certainly be painful. I don't know about "advanced"/"awakened" but certainly "different"/"unusual" - and for some of us it works better (for some worse, and for some neutral). Treading lightly along a new path is NEVER a bad idea...(although not always possible)


Quote:
Originally Posted by RockerChick View Post
Again, thank you all for your support and encouragement. I'm honored to be among such a courageous group of people! My Love to ALL.

*bow*
I am honored that you chose to post your situation here and actually LISTEN to what we had to say - you don't need to agree or act upon our advise, but the fact that you heard and considered our words...priceless!

JaneQ
__________________
Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" Vee-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (together 21+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (together 3+ yrs) and MrS's best friend
Lotus: poly bi female, "it's complicated" relationships with Dude/JaneQ/MrS
TT: poly bi male, married to Lotus, FB with JaneQ
VV and MsJ: bi-women with male primaries, LTR LDR FWBs to JaneQ


My poly blogs on this site:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe
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